On Littles Being Littles

January 28, 2016 at 12:42 (BDSM) (, , , , , )

“She’s a little.  What do you expect? “

These words make me cringe, an I wish I could say they weren’t ones I hear too often.   As a matter of fact,  I was horrified when I came to the realization that I’m a Little myself, though less Hello Kitty Little, more Wednesday Addams Little.  I’ve been to my share of events and conventions,  always making a point to avoid the Littles’ corner, as there is not an ounce of tolerance in me for bratty, whiney, petulant behaviour.  Did I act that way and not know it?

The answer was yesand no.

You see, I can be a little bratty and difficult when I want to be.  I can be cute and cuddly.  I can earn a damned good spanking or rewards when I want to.  When I want to.

I can also sit and have a rational discussion, like an adult.  No matter who my Daddy is, I can conduct myself like the mature woman I am, and he expects me to be able to do so.  We can talk politics or household issues.  We can discuss work, families, and hobbies.   I can socialize with mentamours and vanilla friends.  Why? Because I’m an adult, that’s why, and a real life relationship between adults requires it.  

I don’t know where the idea came from that Littles have found a magic loophole that allows them to shirk responsibilities, but it’s simply not true.  It’s not fair to anyone to pout or stomp my way out of an argument or into an uncomfortable situation.  It’s not fair to anyone to make anyone else pull my extra weight because I’ve decided not to be an adult when appropriate.  It’s a disservice to a partner to enable unacceptable behaviour as a person with the excuse that “Littles are gonna be Littles”, and it’s offensive to those of us who conduct ourselves like decent human beings.  

Maybe this makes me a bad Little, but I’d rather be a bad Little than a hurtful partner, but there must be an expectation that a Little knows the appropriate time and place to be a Little and when to be an adult.  That’s what separates us from actual children.

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Good Girl

January 21, 2016 at 12:19 (Uncategorized)

So, for the last year I’ve had my ups and downs with kink, and for a while there was a dry spell.  Having lost both Master and sub, I was fairly over the whole deal.  Then something crazy happened…

Good girl. 

Pretty innocuous, really, and directly from someone fairly vanilla, but those two words sparked something….new?

New.  Just the concept of new seemed odd to me.  I thought I’d figured it out.  I thought I’d gotten all the new out of my system.  This was weird.  This was AWESOME!

Then something else happened.

Good Girl.

In April I signed up for a program that would help me tell my story in the form of a solo show in NYC.  I struggled for months over the general arc my show would take.  Would it center around my job?  Polyamory?  Geekery?

It took our Artist in Residence thirty seconds.  “I’ve noticed that kink is such a big part of your life, the turning point of your marriage, and the place where you really began to find your community and yourself, but you never write about it.  What if the arc was a scene?”

Genius, right?

And so, my show, Good Girl, was born, and with this began months of introspection.  What would this scene look like?  What would my role in it be?  How would it end?  How intimate would it get?  As it took shape, a final question…”would I be able to perform this?”  It’s one thing to be kinky in a dark dungeon full of other kinksters. It’s another thing to do it in front of a possibly vanilla audience out to see a Saturday matinee in NYC.  What if my dad showed up?  But I was in this, all or nothing, so I kept writing. The end result was a show I was extremely proud of.

I only had one more problem.  

I have made it a personal philosophy not to fake orgasms.  I believe it breaks down communication and encourages mediocre behaviour.  The result is that I don’t know how, or at least I didn’t, much to the celebration of any sexual partner I’ve ever had and the changrin of my stage director.  The literal climax of my show, and I was going to botch it.

It took two days of coaching and practice, and my partners sitting in the front row a foot from where I knelt, but in the end I nailed it!

So I enter 2016 with a new role, a new skill, and a newfound zeal for Sintangible.

Thanks for sticking around!

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Being Whole Again

February 24, 2015 at 02:16 (BDSM) (, , , , , )

I’ve stepped back twice in as many years.

The first time I felt like if I didn’t I would forever hate things I which I had found joy, freedom, and intimacy.  I had tried to force myself into a mold not meant for me, and it had begun to break me.   I felt trapped.  I felt suffocated.  I felt like I had to fight for my voice to be heard.   I stepped back, and for a long time I couldn’t even speak of kink or people I once considered family, causing discord with my partners, who still are all very deeply immersed in the community.

When I stepped back in it was only half of me.  I didn’t yet feel safe letting my submissive side out, so I took a sub and let my Domme side reign.  Let me tell you, friends, that can be exhausting, and there were times I just needed to be held and nurtured.

Then it happened.  I spent a night doing both, and something within me began to reawaken, because I needed both halves to be healthy to be healthy myself.  This,, the true nature of a switch.

When I lost my sub I took another half step away from the scene.  I had been responsible for him, and I had failed.  It wasn’t the same feeling of revulsion I had felt the first time.  This time it was a mourning of sorts.  He needed me, and I was helpless.

It’s been a few months now, and as I’ve branched out into a community 3,000 miles away from the one I’ve known for over a decade I find that I’m hitting a new stride.  There’s no one here who knows me as a Domme or a sub, so I’ve been able to express both with different people.

This week I found myself craving things I haven’t done in years, and it felt good.  To be able to feel the rope bites and fight against the power struggle, this is what I’ve needed for my chrysalis to be complete, because, friends, I’ve been bored, and it’s been no one’s fault but my own for being timid and patient.  Holding back had caused everyone around me to mistake me for complacent and fragile, and I couldn’t convince anyone to be what I needed it I tried.

So here I am, once again feeling desire and need for things I haven’t felt a part of me in a long time.

I’m back, and I’m stronger than I have ever been.


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The Toll of Losing a Sub

December 5, 2014 at 17:32 (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

When you take on a submissive you start building a bond that often goes much deeper than some romantic relationships,  Because of the nature of the dynamic, it requires a connection build on trust, transparency, and dedication in both partners, and the time and energy spent on the relationship becomes a kind of commitment.

As  Domme, I take my responsibility to my submissives very seriously.  They become a part of me, and I become invested in them as I would as any kind of caregiver.  They become a constant part of my life, and when that suddenly stops there is an emptiness that creeps into my day like a thick fog.  It’s not that I depend on their presence, but I desire it and become comfortable with it as a part of my world.  Sudden, unexpected separation is a deep cut.

That’s what’s happening now.  For almost a year I’ve been developing a strong bond with a submissive, and it took us a while to get the right groove for him to fit in, but he was finally there.  I was extremely proud of his progress, and he seemed to be starting to develop a sense of pride in himself that I had never seen.  He was flowering, and it was fascinating to watch.

For very personal reasons, a few days ago he was suddenly not here.  No warning, no parting words, no closure.   It’s still a bit of a shock, and I dealing with it from a distance of 3,000 miles from work as I try to help his other partners through the experience.  Three years ago I experienced a similar situation with Angelflare, and I’m trying my hardest to be the metamour I wish I’d had.  The caveat to that is that I feel so far away.  I feel isolated from the support circle.  I feel in some ways, though his partners have been great, that our relationship is overlooked because of its nature.  In reality, a piece of me has been taken away, and I don’t know for how long or in what capacity.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you these interactions aren’t real, that the emotional bonds we create are ephemeral, or that it’s “just physical”.  It’s none of those things.  I was responsible for someone, and I feel like I failed him in some respects.  He depended on me, and I am helpless in this situation.  He loved me and all I can do is stand back and wait.

The Domme in my switch hates waiting.  The lover in me is heartbroken.  The human in me doesn’t know how to process it all at once.


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Why I Handed in My Collar or Flipping the Switch

September 15, 2014 at 21:16 (BDSM, M/S)

(Two years ago I wrote about this very same subject, and at the time I should have stuck to my guns.  I knew what I did and didn’t want then, and I knew how this would play out.  And it did.)

It all came to a screeching halt on what started as a quiet morning.  Trust.  It boiled down to trust.  I won’t drag Angelflare through the mud here; we were both at fault.  All that matters is that my security and my trust were broken, and I could no longer see myself in a collar, at least not until the issues in my marriage were mended.

I had been warned in the past that ending our D/s would be the beginning of the end of our marriage, that we had never been equals even in a vanilla setting, and that it was my choice whether or not to be happy in collar.  At the moment I handed in my collar I felt like it was that or I was going to do something harmful to myself.  It had crossed my mind, and as much as I didn’t want my marriage to end, I couldn’t fathom living one more day not being true to myself.  I had already sacrificed too much time and too much of myself for us both to still be so unsatisfied, and a lifestyle I had once loved had begun to feel like a prison.

So, we started a new dynamic.  I can’t tell you whether or not it’s saving our marriage, but I know it’s not making it any worse.  I do know that the new freedom and empowerment I feel has done nothing but reassure me that I made the right choice.  No matter where I end up I will have done what was healthy for me.

Friends, no matter what you’ve agreed to, if it’s not good for you there’s no reason to keep doing it.

I look forward to bringing you an ever-changing Sintangible who is finding her own way somewhere she’d forgotten she loved to journey.  Won’t you come with me?

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December 19, 2013 at 23:33 (erotica) (, , )

She was before you before I even knew she had entered the room, as silent and subtle as a whisper of the most intimate thought, gazing into those unfamiliar eyes that could have been blue or green, softening your stance with just a breath of a glance and a lick of her lips, salivating at just the idea of you, pure and uncharted.

Read the rest of this entry »

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November 10, 2013 at 18:33 (Uncategorized)

your lips have never tasted mine

but in my mind
we have fucked a thousand times
every night some new divine intervention
and while your voice has never graced my ears
your words coax my climax
like a prayer
and you’re not there
but it is your hand I hold
your body I cling to
in that blinding moment
when we are closer than we have ever been
and I return to you
night after night
because when I’m with you
I don’t have to wonder
if you love me
don’t have to wonder
if you think I’m pretty
or sexy
or funny
or smart
because when I’m with you
I won’t have to worry
about doing the right thing
saying the right words
touching the right place
because when I’m with you
anything is possible
as long as I can think it
no roles to fill, no protocols
just me and all the passion that has nowhere to go
all the energy that flows to fallow fields
all the attention that no one else wants
it’s all yours
and I am never as awake
as when I’m with you

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anatomy of a slave

August 23, 2013 at 00:19 (BDSM)

deep breath
clear mind
silent submission
not born of fear or weakness
but respect and commitment
all around me
i can feel them
vibrating with anticipation
alive with potential
they whisper a longing
the tools He will use
but not because He has to
it is not these tools
that bring me to my knees
but devotion and need
i weep in supplication
every inch of me pleading
not for the pang of punishment or shame
but the awakening pain in which
I find my strength
my wings
that place
that life
where all my power lies
in the passion i inspire
deep in Master’s eyes
the fire in His touch
that makes everything i am
this is no collar of metal or leather
but one of love
i surrender
not because He demands it
but because He never had to
this is the path my footsteps tread
long before i found my place in them
a journey i take
where i am valued and safe
with no need to run
no secrets to hide
from what speaks deep inside me
the shadows that stir
the demons that lurk
the voices that guide me to
open myself and give in
i do
embrace who i am
i do
and dance in the flames
as a part of me burns
the part that felt ugly
and worthless
i do
and i emerge
free as a word
deep breath
clear mind
silent submission

English: Soldier butterfly seen in Secret Wood...



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On Being a Switch: Picking a Side

March 6, 2013 at 21:15 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

When Angelflare and I met we were both Switches.  Don’t get me wrong, we still are, but we have chosen to live as a 24/7 M/s couple.  Because of this, we no longer switch with each other.  While I love the way our marriage has grown and strengthened as a result of our M/s, I also feel like a part of who we were is gone. I used to love that we could explore with each other on both sides of the whip, and at this time it is not a part of our relationship.

Bring in Angelflare’s girlfriend, A, who is a Dominant, and a deep part of myself that I had pushed down when we decided to take on a 24/7 relationship is awakened.  It’s hard for me to suppress feelings of loss and regret.  I miss who we were.  I miss how free we used to be with each other, and


sometimes I feel like there are so many rules and so many compartments we’ve built for our relationship that I start to feel stifled and cornered.

This is an issue I did not foresee when we changed our arrangement, and one of the few places where I still find myself holding a lot of jealousy and resentment.  There are very few things that are unique to our relationship, but now there’s this significant one that is unique to theirs, one I really enjoyed and miss very much.  Not that I’ve pinpointed it I can begin to work through it, but it’s going to take some work, and maybe someday we can work out an arrangement that fulfills that desire in me again.

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On Being a Privately Owned Slave

February 7, 2013 at 23:38 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Image of spanking

There was a post recently in a Fetlife group about appreciating the opinions of slaves which heeded Dominants from punishing honest slaves publicly on the internet for expressing their opinions.  I took no notice of the litany of comments until I realized that the post was specifically directed towards Dominants who had no ownership of the slaves they were punishing.  The post suggested they should bring the behaviour in question to the owner of the slave in question.  I admit I was taken aback.  As both a slave and a Domina, I took it very personally that anyone would ever be so brash as to even make this an issue.

Maybe I’ve got it easy.  While I will show respect to any D-type in my presence, that’s a politeness I extend because of social decorum not obligation.  I am beholden to no Master by my own, and would never stand for anyone punishing me who was not Angelflare.  I would assume that if I ever stepped out of line he would be the first to hear about it, but it does not take a village to raise a slave.  I had a “Sir” reprimand me once at an event for not responding to a question in a way he found acceptable, and it raised my heckles in ways I cannot begin to explain.  Yes, I belong to Angelflare, but the rest of the world is mine.  I owe no loyalty or obedience to anyone, especially a complete stranger.

As a Domina I am very protective of what’s mine.  I would never punish someone else’s property, and I would take it very personally for anyone to do so to mine.  It’s just common courtesy.  My s-types don’t have the same rules I do as a slave, so they definitely don’t have the same rules as every other s-type out there.  In the same way I wouldn’t let someone spank my child, especially in public, I would never tolerate someone else punishing my submissive.  It’s just rude and presumptuous.

I may have lit a couple fires by responding to the thread as a slave, but I felt like it made my point better from that side of the slash.  When it comes down to it, we’re all adults.  I will not be spoken to like a bad child because a Dominant feels I’ve broken one of his rules.  He can deal with that disappointment like an adult.  If he really feels the need for justice, he can contact Angelflare, who will either apologize and punish me or politely thank him and we’ll have a good laugh about it.  It’s out of respect for Angelflare that I don’t laugh directly at someone who tries to intimidate or enforce his rules on me, but I promise it garners you no respect to do so.  Respect from me, whether as a D or an s, is given to those who deserve it and have earned it, not because it’s been decreed.

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