November 1, 2011 at 14:15 (BDSM) (, , )

The human body is an amazing thing.  It can take intense pleasure, pain, stress, and strain, often simultaneously.  It is incredibly resilient and strong, and in many cases we will push it as far as it can go and then some.  It is extremely important, especially in a BDSM sense, to be aware of our limits and how far they can be pushed.  It’s also important that we not let these limits interfere with what we can do and experience. Let’s talk about limits.

As a Domme it is important to know the limits of any sub I take on.  This includes physical, emotional, and psychological limits.  Without this information I could cause serious and sometimes irreparable damage.  I owe it to my sub to protect him if he is going to surrender completely and trust me with his body and mind.  I owe it to him to know his ins and outs as much as I expect him to know mine.  Morals aside, why would I want to break something I’ve taken the time to posses and properly shape to my specifications?  I also need to know when and how a sub starts showing those limits, whether or not she ever uses a safeword, and how much farther I can push her.  Does she give in easily or is she stubborn enough to push herself?  Does she fully understand her limits?  This is why I very rarely casually Domme someone.  I’m not advanced or experienced enough to notice these things in anyone just off the cuff.  It takes knowledge of my sub’s body language and reactions, to notice a behavioral change, to know when I’ve reached a limit.  That’s not something I’m willing to guess at with someone I’ve just met.  Maybe someday, but not yet.

As a sub it is imperative that I am not just aware of my own limits but not too proud to admit them to myself or my Dom.  This was a really hard thing for me to do in the beginning, especially when I first started feeling the effects of Fibromyalgia.  Suddenly I was extremely sensitive to touch and force.  There were days I would wear out quickly.  Even vanilla sex was excruciating.  I felt like I was letting him down, as a Dom and as a husband.  I felt like I was giving up and copping out.  I felt like he was angry with me, disappointed in me, and unhappy with our sex life.  At first I tried to ignore it, then I pulled out completely.  If I couldn’t give him the same effort and level of service I once could I wouldn’t do it at all.  No matter how much he assured me I was still satisfying his needs I didn’t believe it.  How could it when it was so diminished?  Surely his other partners could pick up the slack, fill in the void, and give him what he really wanted.

This is where that last point comes in.  Yes, I have limits.  Yes, some days they are lower than others.  No, that does not mean I can’t have a successful scene or participate in a lifestyle I really enjoy.  It merely means being realistic and honest about my limits and knowing my body well enough to know when I’m having a bad day.  It means my Dom understanding days when I just can’t do it and being supportive and appreciative of the effort I can put in.  It means using a lower percentage isopropyl alcohol for fireplay.  It may not last as long, but I’m not being seriously burned either.  It means flogging slightly lighter and getting the same mental and emotional reaction.  It means knowing when to say when, and him knowing my limits can not be stretched far some days.  It also means being up front with any new Dom(me) who comes my way.  It makes casual play extremely rare, and it makes some dungeon nights a lonely experience sitting in a chair while my Dom finds other subs to play with because I get there and don’t last long.

All in all, I can’t let those things discourage me.  I won’t let them keep me from that I enjoy, and I won’t let them spoil a good time worrying or pouting about it before I reach that limit.  I simply enjoy myself when and while I can.  It’s made me more responsive on good days as a sub, because I am more eager to please when I am able.  it’s also made me more aware and considerate as a Domme, because I would want the same treatment if I were on the other end of my leash.

Before you play, know the limits of everyone involved.  Know them and respect them.  Don’t let yourself be broken, and for the love of gods don’t break your toys!

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