Giving Up Control – A Slave’s Journey

May 20, 2012 at 22:04 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


After years of subbing for Angelflare on an event based basis we decided to try a 24/7 Master/slave arrangement.  There were a lot of questions before embarking on this endeavor.  What would it mean for our marriage?  How would I handle a live-in 24/7 arrangement as a switch, with a career, etc.  How would we work this new dynamic into an already established relationship?  It took some convincing and a lot of discussion, we’re talking hours and hours of emotionally charged conversation, but we finally decided we could handle at least giving it a try.

My first big hurdle was confidence.  As a submissive I am proud of my position; as a slave I was a twitchy mess.  It was not a state I could live in all the time.  I was stressed, emotional, and starting to get sick. I also lost all my strong dominant spirit. It took some pretty serious soul searching and a few good heart-to-hearts to process and accept that I could be Angelflare’s wife, Queen, and soul mate and still be his slave.  Then I had to figure out how to retain my willful flame while being in his collar.  While I am his the rest of the world is mine, and it’s a careful balance I had to handcraft from no experience I had ever had before.

My current blockage is control, moreso completely giving up control.  For short term occasional and events I have no hangups, but when it comes to long-term or permanent relinquishing of control I come to a point where I panic and have to make sure things are being properly done.   Why is this such an issue?

Some of what keeps fighting to hold on to my control is habit.  For most of my life I’ve had to take care of my self on some level, and I’ve fought very hard to get what I need and want.  It has been my experience that letting people make decisions for me and not putting up an independent Alpha female front has given people the right of way to take advantage of me.  It’s hard to suddenly give someone those reins and just hope I’m not putting myself in a situation that will lead to real life, long-term issues that would end up being mine, and mine alone, to rectify.  What if it weren’t something that could be rectified?

A more recently formed habit is within our marriage.  For most of our relationship I have been the one to make decisions and take care of responsibilities and agendas.  I held our household together through a lot of rough situations, and have been told by Angelflare himself that I am the one running things, even if just from the sidelines.  I know it’s a simple attitude and perspective adjustment that allows that all to happen even as a slave, but it is not an overnight change.

Another concern of mine is perception on Angelflare’s part.  While he is great at seeing the big picture and steps down the line he is not great at taking into account the little details that make up that big picture.  As someone with fibromyalgia I have to consider all those little details, things he doesn’t realize affect me the way they do.  My needs are not always things he considers needs, so it’s a matter of making him see how important the little things are in my world, otherwise I can’t go to work or take care of my duties to our family.  This is a major concern to me.

My last, and maybe biggest, point of discussion has been our marriage.  There are times where we have real couple issues and real family problems that need to be resolved as a team, and I need to be sure I can address these things honestly without fear of punishment.  My family and my marriage come before any and all things, and I will not do this if I can’t be sure we can work on problems instead of having them swept under the M/s rug.  There are situations where I need to be his wife before his slave, and in certain company it’s important that I have that title of respect and consideration.  I need to be sure he can make that judgment call and not rebuke me for being his wife.

We are slowly working through these things, and I have faith that we can.  He has given this a time frame that I’m not sure is a realistic marker for progress.  It’s taken us four and a half years to get to this point.  How can we get to the next checkpoint in merely 30 days?

There are points where I ask myself if this is a realistic goal.  I know couples do it, but is it for us?  I didn’t know until recently how much my dominant side takes over.  Can she be suppressed in this sort of venue?  I know he wants this, and I know he hopes it will be with me, so I’m giving it a serious try in hopes that he’ll at least appreciate the sacrifices I’m willing to make for this.  I don’t want it to hurt our relationship, whatever the outcome, and I recognize the opportunity for it to make us a stronger couple with at least a better awareness of how we interact and communicate.

In short, do I want to please my Master? Yes.  Do I want to be faithful to my duties to my family and my husband? Yes.  Do I know how to give up the only control that remains in my life?  No, but I’m learning as I go.

 

1 Comment

  1. Could You Live to Serve the Master « Master's Slut Puppy said,

    […] Giving Up Control – A Slave’s Journey (sintangiblyspeaking.wordpress.com) […]

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