Attitude Adjustment – A Slave’s Journey

May 30, 2012 at 20:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


In my last post I addressed the issue of control, mainly my issue with giving it all away.  This week has been a rare opportunity, as I am on vacation from work and able to focus on my service.  Angelflare and I have both given this time the onus of deciding our future as a 24/7  M/s couple.  I had decided it myself before he brought it up, and we both cited the same basic reason: Attitude.

I have been aware for some time that I can be defensive, emotional, and at times I use my words as weapons.  They’re all I’ve got.  I can’t take many people in a fight, I don’t have wealth or affluence, nor am I a particularly intimidating person.  I have also been aware that this is not acceptable behaviour for a slave and have worked very hard to take the bite out of my words, even when I’m upset.  This has not always been successful, but I have been making progress.  At least, I thought I had.

Just as with the control issue I have no problem conceptualizing what needs to be done.  I have no problem understanding how I need to respond when he pushes my buttons.  The problem I have is deeper and entirely emotional, my response burning and angry before  I even have a chance to get my intention and reasoning across more respectfully.  Frankly, I’m not good at holding my tongue, and once it’s out and I realize I’ve gone too far or just don’t care.

Of course, I do care once I’ve calmed down.  I want this to work.  I want to please him, and I want to make him proud of me.  So, what do I do about this?  Count to ten? Deep breaths?  I can hold my tongue in a sterile environment for a short time.  I’ve been pretty calm this week for the most part.  He’s even offered an incentive and consequences.  It’s the moment I’m already stressed and he starts pressing my buttons to get a reaction that I fail miserably.  It’s the moment I think about it always being this way that I feel helpless and trapped.

All I can do at this time is keep working towards the goal, accept the consequences, and hope he doesn’t give up on me.  Am I really cut out for this? If not, does that make me a failure?  I recognize a slave can be independent and strong-willed in the rest of her life, and I’m trying to incorporate the two.  If I can’t “hack it”, as he so eloquently puts it, does that make me flawed and weak?  Or is his term meant to make me try harder and prove him wrong.  Is he using my own stubbornness against me?

Only one way to find out…

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