What I’ve Done on Sabbatical

October 17, 2012 at 01:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


 

I almost gave it up. In fact, for a few days I did give it all up. I handed in my collar. I was done. It was all quite histrionic, and the fallout was felt immediately. In the course of a day my collar was gone, my marriage was crumbling, and I had managed to begin the process of pushing away someone who I care for deeply. I had worked through a particularly rough week, but something else had broken. To this day I don’t know what it was, but something deep inside me gave up, and something needed to change.

 

This is my response to anyone who tells me that a D/s relationship, let alone marriage, is easy. The “I just do what you say, right?” idealism that any new subs hold on to is not only dangerous but foolish as well. Despite all the work I was doing and all the problems I was having somewhere deep inside myself I still held this belief that it should be easy. I just needed to do what he said. Anyone could do it, so why was I struggling? That initial crack in my self-confidence as a slave began the eventual cave in that lead me to hand in my collar and almost walk away from my husband. It took us an entire weekend to be able to speak to each other in a civil tone, and in the end the only things that was clear to me were that I had a lot of questions and that I didn’t want to leave.

 

I grappled with a lot of questions.  If I were not his slave would our marriage survive?  Was this the only way I was desirable sexually?  If we did stay together would our family and our marriage ever take priority over his slaves? I was afraid of the answers.  He has been the only constant and the only guarantee I have ever had, and I was handing it over.  How would I move on from this?

 

Needless to say we had to start over in a sense.  I had to earn back my collar, but I also needed to restructure things within myself that would not just lead to another implosion.  I hadn’t known I was so close to “getting it”.  I hadn’t realized what a good job I was doing.  In my mind I was failing, and failure was unacceptable.  Eventually there was a point where I had to listen to the most simple advice he’s ever given me.  “Stop thinking about it.”  It sounded counterproductive at first.  If I didn’t worry about being better how would I know if I was falling short?  The answer to that, of course, is simply that he’d tell me and we’d correct it.

 

In the midst of all this I managed to get my heartbroken.  If Angelflare is nothing else, he is supportive and understanding.  He’s let me have my moments as long as we’ve stayed on track, and the experience as a whole has brought us closer.  I can’t imagine going through this sadness and confusion if we were still strained.  I’m not sure I could have handled it.

 

I’ve spent the last several weeks rebuilding and redefining what my service means, what my marriage means, and what my love means.  In the end I believe we needed this to bring us back to center and show us where we were terribly off base and out of touch with that we really wanted and needed.

 

I have, in fact, earned my collar back.  I have also learned better coping and communication skills, something that has held me back a lot as a slave.  I am more stable and able to see more clearly how this fits in our lives, and I am really starting to enjoy it…and sharing it with all of you.

 

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