On Being a Switch: Picking a Side

March 6, 2013 at 21:15 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

When Angelflare and I met we were both Switches.  Don’t get me wrong, we still are, but we have chosen to live as a 24/7 M/s couple.  Because of this, we no longer switch with each other.  While I love the way our marriage has grown and strengthened as a result of our M/s, I also feel like a part of who we were is gone. I used to love that we could explore with each other on both sides of the whip, and at this time it is not a part of our relationship.

Bring in Angelflare’s girlfriend, A, who is a Dominant, and a deep part of myself that I had pushed down when we decided to take on a 24/7 relationship is awakened.  It’s hard for me to suppress feelings of loss and regret.  I miss who we were.  I miss how free we used to be with each other, and


sometimes I feel like there are so many rules and so many compartments we’ve built for our relationship that I start to feel stifled and cornered.

This is an issue I did not foresee when we changed our arrangement, and one of the few places where I still find myself holding a lot of jealousy and resentment.  There are very few things that are unique to our relationship, but now there’s this significant one that is unique to theirs, one I really enjoyed and miss very much.  Not that I’ve pinpointed it I can begin to work through it, but it’s going to take some work, and maybe someday we can work out an arrangement that fulfills that desire in me again.


  1. LittleGirl in BK said,

    I like this post… I’m working through negotiations for the first time and it is a little grueling! I realize they’re never quite “finished” and I already feel myself stronger as an individual and, as a sub, having identified some boundaries that I need is empowering. It’s comforting to see a strong married M/s couple identify areas that create jealousy and resentment… b/c seriously, what relationship is totally absent of these feelings? None. and I get really tired of the “just don’t [be jealous]” advice. Real life comes with difficult feelings. Power exchange relationships are INTENSE by nature, and *insert poly-* it becomes even more complicated… The self-awareness that is necessary for a couple to thrive is immense.

    • Jennifer Clifford said,

      That last sentence says it all. 🙂
      I also write a poly blog, if you’re interested and not yet fond your way to it, at pearlsandpentagrams.wordpress.com. 🙂 Thanks for the comments!

  2. Tori said,

    I was involved with a married couple who started with the female as the sub, then they contracted to switch for a few years and then switch back. She decided she didn’t want to, so her husband grew very unhappy. She was pleased to have met me during that time, as I like to play as hard as he does. She thought that allowing him a “plaything” would satisfy his need to dominate while still holding him as her submissive. It had the opposite effect. He became more beligerent with her and more determined to hold her to the contract. Her decision? Cut him off completely without dscussing any of it with him. I think it was a poor choice on her part, NOT because I lost a play partner, but because it affected his trust in her when she punished him for her choice to refuse to honor the contract. They both should have come to a compromise, but she decided that since she was the Mistress, it didn’t matter what he thought. Instead of her communicating and showing interest in her husbands needs and taking responsibility for how her actions affected him, she became defensive and bull headed. He felt that this was not a respectable way for her to conduct herself as his Mistress and it caused even more distance between the two. She interpreted that distance as something it wasn’t and became jealous. Ew. Jealousy sucks.

    I believe through communication and compassion, you will be able to find a happy medium, especially if you are both comfortable with inviting others in. My husband does not like to play as hard as I do. But he knows I need it. He doesn’t like to watch it, and doesn’t understand why I need what I need, but he loves that I feel happy and relief and contentment at home with HIM after I have had someone beat the monster out of me.

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