Common Sense as Protocol

July 26, 2012 at 21:48 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


la dame sans merci III duotone

I was recently sunk into several layers of thought after reading this blog by Graydancer.  In fact, I had to read it several times, follow the rabbit hole of links he provided for references, and read it again to begin to comprehend what I was reading.  It seems, friends, as if I’ve been doing it wrong.  Try to suppress your surprise that anyone in an alternative lifestyle should think anyone else in that same lifestyle is doing it wrong, and therefore offensive to the lifestyle as a whole, but this seems to be a more widespread topic of conversation than I thought, and I have come to the only possible conclusion one can in this situation, which I will share at the end just to keep you reading.

Back to the matter at hand.  This all starts when Graydancer types the word “domist”, which I read as the belief that Doms are privileged and subs are devalued.  The topic at hand was third-party permission, meaning this:  As a third-party, should one ask permission of my Master to speak with me assuming our dynamic is obvious and that third-party is familiar with what I have always assumed to be “scene courtesy”?  I have always taken this as a sign of respect for a couple’s dynamic.  If the slave is free to interact on her own I have still done no harm by asking first.  If not I have saved myself the issue of stepping on her Master’s toes.

Apparently there is dissent and disagreement on this matter.  There were two reactions that Graydancer garnered that particularly rubbed me in funny ways, especially as a slave.

The first was, “I don’t like being ignored!”, which nearly caused an aneurysm.  Seriously, I had to walk away from the computer and find something to beat my head against that Angelflare wouldn’t beat me for breaking.  The idea that my Master is the privileged one of the two of us is a bit of a “duh” statement for me.  Isn’t that the role I accepted when I chose to be a slave?  My pleasure is his pleasure.  My life is his life.  I am property.  It really doesn’t matter if I like being ignored or not.  That’s not my choice to make.  Greydancer does point out that if someone is asking permission to talk to me it’s not being ignored, and to me it’s even more than being spoken to directly.  I’m worth asking  permission to talk to!  That makes my slave heart smile!

The second comment that ruffled my slave feathers a bit was the idea that by expecting this courtesy Angelflare and I would be forcing our scene on them without consent!  Yeah, read that again.  What?  Here Graydancer does a great job of explaining that for many of us this is not a scene.  This is how we live our lives.  This is who we are.  Angelflare and I are not forcing you to do anything.  Of course you can ignore our wishes and talk to anyone you want, and I can choose to ignore you until you’ve obtained permission from my Master.  Who are you to assume you deserve a breach in my obedience?

The basis of Graydancer’s post, and the original one he links to about “domism”, seems to be gender.  The original poster seems to focus on male Doms and female submissives, citing “Patriarchal and heterosexist patterns” in a scene that, in her experience, is saturated by male Dominants.  I have to admit I can’t relate to her feelings, as that has not been my experience.  As a pansexual female switch married to a pansexual male switch who just happens to take the role as my Master I have not noticed a dynamic paradigm.  Our local community is fairly balanced, and I had not assumed others to be any different.  Nor is it really any of my business.  As a female I don’t take any offence to it. I don’t assume any of it happens because I’m a woman; I assume it’s because of the collar around my neck.  If I’m the one holding the leash I expect, and am afforded, the same courtesy no matter what the gender of the person on the other end.  This is how it should be.

My conclusion?  That we are all taking how other people live their lives way too seriously, especially for people who are publicly hailing our rights to live the way we wish and talk to who we wish, and so on, and so forth.  This is not high school.  This is not a life or death decision.  You will not die if you speak to me and I ignore you because I refuse to let you impose your desire to be a rebel on my protocols.  Just don’t do so if you don’t like to be ignored, because ignored you will be.

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