The Toll of Losing a Sub

December 5, 2014 at 17:32 (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )


When you take on a submissive you start building a bond that often goes much deeper than some romantic relationships,  Because of the nature of the dynamic, it requires a connection build on trust, transparency, and dedication in both partners, and the time and energy spent on the relationship becomes a kind of commitment.

As  Domme, I take my responsibility to my submissives very seriously.  They become a part of me, and I become invested in them as I would as any kind of caregiver.  They become a constant part of my life, and when that suddenly stops there is an emptiness that creeps into my day like a thick fog.  It’s not that I depend on their presence, but I desire it and become comfortable with it as a part of my world.  Sudden, unexpected separation is a deep cut.

That’s what’s happening now.  For almost a year I’ve been developing a strong bond with a submissive, and it took us a while to get the right groove for him to fit in, but he was finally there.  I was extremely proud of his progress, and he seemed to be starting to develop a sense of pride in himself that I had never seen.  He was flowering, and it was fascinating to watch.

For very personal reasons, a few days ago he was suddenly not here.  No warning, no parting words, no closure.   It’s still a bit of a shock, and I dealing with it from a distance of 3,000 miles from work as I try to help his other partners through the experience.  Three years ago I experienced a similar situation with Angelflare, and I’m trying my hardest to be the metamour I wish I’d had.  The caveat to that is that I feel so far away.  I feel isolated from the support circle.  I feel in some ways, though his partners have been great, that our relationship is overlooked because of its nature.  In reality, a piece of me has been taken away, and I don’t know for how long or in what capacity.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you these interactions aren’t real, that the emotional bonds we create are ephemeral, or that it’s “just physical”.  It’s none of those things.  I was responsible for someone, and I feel like I failed him in some respects.  He depended on me, and I am helpless in this situation.  He loved me and all I can do is stand back and wait.

The Domme in my switch hates waiting.  The lover in me is heartbroken.  The human in me doesn’t know how to process it all at once.

Aloha

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On Being a Switch: Picking a Side

March 6, 2013 at 21:15 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


When Angelflare and I met we were both Switches.  Don’t get me wrong, we still are, but we have chosen to live as a 24/7 M/s couple.  Because of this, we no longer switch with each other.  While I love the way our marriage has grown and strengthened as a result of our M/s, I also feel like a part of who we were is gone. I used to love that we could explore with each other on both sides of the whip, and at this time it is not a part of our relationship.

Bring in Angelflare’s girlfriend, A, who is a Dominant, and a deep part of myself that I had pushed down when we decided to take on a 24/7 relationship is awakened.  It’s hard for me to suppress feelings of loss and regret.  I miss who we were.  I miss how free we used to be with each other, and

Pulling

sometimes I feel like there are so many rules and so many compartments we’ve built for our relationship that I start to feel stifled and cornered.

This is an issue I did not foresee when we changed our arrangement, and one of the few places where I still find myself holding a lot of jealousy and resentment.  There are very few things that are unique to our relationship, but now there’s this significant one that is unique to theirs, one I really enjoyed and miss very much.  Not that I’ve pinpointed it I can begin to work through it, but it’s going to take some work, and maybe someday we can work out an arrangement that fulfills that desire in me again.

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On Being a Privately Owned Slave

February 7, 2013 at 23:38 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )


Image of spanking

There was a post recently in a Fetlife group about appreciating the opinions of slaves which heeded Dominants from punishing honest slaves publicly on the internet for expressing their opinions.  I took no notice of the litany of comments until I realized that the post was specifically directed towards Dominants who had no ownership of the slaves they were punishing.  The post suggested they should bring the behaviour in question to the owner of the slave in question.  I admit I was taken aback.  As both a slave and a Domina, I took it very personally that anyone would ever be so brash as to even make this an issue.

Maybe I’ve got it easy.  While I will show respect to any D-type in my presence, that’s a politeness I extend because of social decorum not obligation.  I am beholden to no Master by my own, and would never stand for anyone punishing me who was not Angelflare.  I would assume that if I ever stepped out of line he would be the first to hear about it, but it does not take a village to raise a slave.  I had a “Sir” reprimand me once at an event for not responding to a question in a way he found acceptable, and it raised my heckles in ways I cannot begin to explain.  Yes, I belong to Angelflare, but the rest of the world is mine.  I owe no loyalty or obedience to anyone, especially a complete stranger.

As a Domina I am very protective of what’s mine.  I would never punish someone else’s property, and I would take it very personally for anyone to do so to mine.  It’s just common courtesy.  My s-types don’t have the same rules I do as a slave, so they definitely don’t have the same rules as every other s-type out there.  In the same way I wouldn’t let someone spank my child, especially in public, I would never tolerate someone else punishing my submissive.  It’s just rude and presumptuous.

I may have lit a couple fires by responding to the thread as a slave, but I felt like it made my point better from that side of the slash.  When it comes down to it, we’re all adults.  I will not be spoken to like a bad child because a Dominant feels I’ve broken one of his rules.  He can deal with that disappointment like an adult.  If he really feels the need for justice, he can contact Angelflare, who will either apologize and punish me or politely thank him and we’ll have a good laugh about it.  It’s out of respect for Angelflare that I don’t laugh directly at someone who tries to intimidate or enforce his rules on me, but I promise it garners you no respect to do so.  Respect from me, whether as a D or an s, is given to those who deserve it and have earned it, not because it’s been decreed.

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What I’ve Done on Sabbatical

October 17, 2012 at 01:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


 

I almost gave it up. In fact, for a few days I did give it all up. I handed in my collar. I was done. It was all quite histrionic, and the fallout was felt immediately. In the course of a day my collar was gone, my marriage was crumbling, and I had managed to begin the process of pushing away someone who I care for deeply. I had worked through a particularly rough week, but something else had broken. To this day I don’t know what it was, but something deep inside me gave up, and something needed to change.

 

This is my response to anyone who tells me that a D/s relationship, let alone marriage, is easy. The “I just do what you say, right?” idealism that any new subs hold on to is not only dangerous but foolish as well. Despite all the work I was doing and all the problems I was having somewhere deep inside myself I still held this belief that it should be easy. I just needed to do what he said. Anyone could do it, so why was I struggling? That initial crack in my self-confidence as a slave began the eventual cave in that lead me to hand in my collar and almost walk away from my husband. It took us an entire weekend to be able to speak to each other in a civil tone, and in the end the only things that was clear to me were that I had a lot of questions and that I didn’t want to leave.

 

I grappled with a lot of questions.  If I were not his slave would our marriage survive?  Was this the only way I was desirable sexually?  If we did stay together would our family and our marriage ever take priority over his slaves? I was afraid of the answers.  He has been the only constant and the only guarantee I have ever had, and I was handing it over.  How would I move on from this?

 

Needless to say we had to start over in a sense.  I had to earn back my collar, but I also needed to restructure things within myself that would not just lead to another implosion.  I hadn’t known I was so close to “getting it”.  I hadn’t realized what a good job I was doing.  In my mind I was failing, and failure was unacceptable.  Eventually there was a point where I had to listen to the most simple advice he’s ever given me.  “Stop thinking about it.”  It sounded counterproductive at first.  If I didn’t worry about being better how would I know if I was falling short?  The answer to that, of course, is simply that he’d tell me and we’d correct it.

 

In the midst of all this I managed to get my heartbroken.  If Angelflare is nothing else, he is supportive and understanding.  He’s let me have my moments as long as we’ve stayed on track, and the experience as a whole has brought us closer.  I can’t imagine going through this sadness and confusion if we were still strained.  I’m not sure I could have handled it.

 

I’ve spent the last several weeks rebuilding and redefining what my service means, what my marriage means, and what my love means.  In the end I believe we needed this to bring us back to center and show us where we were terribly off base and out of touch with that we really wanted and needed.

 

I have, in fact, earned my collar back.  I have also learned better coping and communication skills, something that has held me back a lot as a slave.  I am more stable and able to see more clearly how this fits in our lives, and I am really starting to enjoy it…and sharing it with all of you.

 

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