The Toll of Losing a Sub

December 5, 2014 at 17:32 (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )


When you take on a submissive you start building a bond that often goes much deeper than some romantic relationships,  Because of the nature of the dynamic, it requires a connection build on trust, transparency, and dedication in both partners, and the time and energy spent on the relationship becomes a kind of commitment.

As  Domme, I take my responsibility to my submissives very seriously.  They become a part of me, and I become invested in them as I would as any kind of caregiver.  They become a constant part of my life, and when that suddenly stops there is an emptiness that creeps into my day like a thick fog.  It’s not that I depend on their presence, but I desire it and become comfortable with it as a part of my world.  Sudden, unexpected separation is a deep cut.

That’s what’s happening now.  For almost a year I’ve been developing a strong bond with a submissive, and it took us a while to get the right groove for him to fit in, but he was finally there.  I was extremely proud of his progress, and he seemed to be starting to develop a sense of pride in himself that I had never seen.  He was flowering, and it was fascinating to watch.

For very personal reasons, a few days ago he was suddenly not here.  No warning, no parting words, no closure.   It’s still a bit of a shock, and I dealing with it from a distance of 3,000 miles from work as I try to help his other partners through the experience.  Three years ago I experienced a similar situation with Angelflare, and I’m trying my hardest to be the metamour I wish I’d had.  The caveat to that is that I feel so far away.  I feel isolated from the support circle.  I feel in some ways, though his partners have been great, that our relationship is overlooked because of its nature.  In reality, a piece of me has been taken away, and I don’t know for how long or in what capacity.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you these interactions aren’t real, that the emotional bonds we create are ephemeral, or that it’s “just physical”.  It’s none of those things.  I was responsible for someone, and I feel like I failed him in some respects.  He depended on me, and I am helpless in this situation.  He loved me and all I can do is stand back and wait.

The Domme in my switch hates waiting.  The lover in me is heartbroken.  The human in me doesn’t know how to process it all at once.

Aloha

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Familiarity

August 19, 2012 at 11:26 (M/S) (, , , , , , , )


couples in park

In the beginning of a 24/7 relationship there are changes and challenges at every turn. Some of them are anticipated, and some will completely blindside even the most prepared couple. Since every M/s relationship has unique a structure, it only makes sense that sometimes it seems like our issues are leading us into uncharted territory, and quite often the path to this territory depends on where the relationship found its beginnings. There Master and slave friends? Strangers? Lovers?

Angelflare and I were married before we decided to be 24/7, and our marriage already had established routines and habits. We played, we switched depending on the scene, and in many cases we were two dominants in a loving relationship. Quite often we’d bump heads, compete for dominance, and end up in a fight with nothing being accomplished. Taking this step helped us have defined roles, which made us a more productive and effective team, but it has lead to a few unforseen potholes in our journey to a functioning M/s relationship.

To be clear, defining these roles does not mean I am any less of a switch, just not with Angelflare. It also does not mean he has completely ceased to be a working member of our household. When I am sick he takes care of things. When I need help with chores or tasks he has no problem helping. In being Master he has not relinquished his role as husband, lover, or best friend. It merely changes the way we interact at times and defines what is expected of me before I ask for help and how I go about doing so.

One of the great things about being married before we were M/s is that we already know each other inside and out. Angelflare knows by my body language exactly how I’m feeling. He knows how I think, what makes me cry, and how to change my mind. I know when his mood has changed by his posture and whether or not he is serious or joking about anything. This has let us skip a lot of “getting to know you” faux pas and move on to the meat of our M/s.

Unfortunately, our familiarity is also sometimes a hinderance. I enjoy being able to sit with Angelflare and watch a movie. I love the moments where we joke and laugh until neither of us can breathe. He has brought it to my attention that sometimes these moments feel like a lapse in protocol and respect, that our familiarity keeps me from living in the mindset of a slave. The fact that I can be completely comfortable and honest with him is one of my favourite parts of our marriage, and the thought of having to give all of that up in the name of constant propriety and structure is not something I can imagine being the rest of my life with this man.

So, where do we find the balance where I can be the slave he needs but still have the moments that have always made us us. I find it hard to believe that we have lost our identity as a couple. How do we find ways to express that identity and have a strong M/s dynamic? How does he tell me when he needs me to be on pointe with my protocol, and when how I do let him know that I need the comfort of the man who makes me feel at home? Where is that place where it ebbs and flows and all becomes who we are? Has our identity changed, and if so has it changed for the better?

The answer to the latter is obviously, yes, as any relationship changes and evolves. The catch is finding the comfort, joy, and love in every new place life takes us together and not give in to nostalgia and feelings of loss, There are, however, key elements that will always be a part of us, and I know those things don’t go away because there are new rules. Our moments of familiarity will always be there, and part of my trust and confidence needs to lie in the belief that those key elements do not change or go away when those moments are over, when he may seem a little cooler, or when I’m being punished. I need to know that the familiarity we have will never dissipate, we just need to find the right ways to channel it into this new dynamic.

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