What I’ve Done on Sabbatical

October 17, 2012 at 01:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


 

I almost gave it up. In fact, for a few days I did give it all up. I handed in my collar. I was done. It was all quite histrionic, and the fallout was felt immediately. In the course of a day my collar was gone, my marriage was crumbling, and I had managed to begin the process of pushing away someone who I care for deeply. I had worked through a particularly rough week, but something else had broken. To this day I don’t know what it was, but something deep inside me gave up, and something needed to change.

 

This is my response to anyone who tells me that a D/s relationship, let alone marriage, is easy. The “I just do what you say, right?” idealism that any new subs hold on to is not only dangerous but foolish as well. Despite all the work I was doing and all the problems I was having somewhere deep inside myself I still held this belief that it should be easy. I just needed to do what he said. Anyone could do it, so why was I struggling? That initial crack in my self-confidence as a slave began the eventual cave in that lead me to hand in my collar and almost walk away from my husband. It took us an entire weekend to be able to speak to each other in a civil tone, and in the end the only things that was clear to me were that I had a lot of questions and that I didn’t want to leave.

 

I grappled with a lot of questions.  If I were not his slave would our marriage survive?  Was this the only way I was desirable sexually?  If we did stay together would our family and our marriage ever take priority over his slaves? I was afraid of the answers.  He has been the only constant and the only guarantee I have ever had, and I was handing it over.  How would I move on from this?

 

Needless to say we had to start over in a sense.  I had to earn back my collar, but I also needed to restructure things within myself that would not just lead to another implosion.  I hadn’t known I was so close to “getting it”.  I hadn’t realized what a good job I was doing.  In my mind I was failing, and failure was unacceptable.  Eventually there was a point where I had to listen to the most simple advice he’s ever given me.  “Stop thinking about it.”  It sounded counterproductive at first.  If I didn’t worry about being better how would I know if I was falling short?  The answer to that, of course, is simply that he’d tell me and we’d correct it.

 

In the midst of all this I managed to get my heartbroken.  If Angelflare is nothing else, he is supportive and understanding.  He’s let me have my moments as long as we’ve stayed on track, and the experience as a whole has brought us closer.  I can’t imagine going through this sadness and confusion if we were still strained.  I’m not sure I could have handled it.

 

I’ve spent the last several weeks rebuilding and redefining what my service means, what my marriage means, and what my love means.  In the end I believe we needed this to bring us back to center and show us where we were terribly off base and out of touch with that we really wanted and needed.

 

I have, in fact, earned my collar back.  I have also learned better coping and communication skills, something that has held me back a lot as a slave.  I am more stable and able to see more clearly how this fits in our lives, and I am really starting to enjoy it…and sharing it with all of you.

 

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Familiarity

August 19, 2012 at 11:26 (M/S) (, , , , , , , )


couples in park

In the beginning of a 24/7 relationship there are changes and challenges at every turn. Some of them are anticipated, and some will completely blindside even the most prepared couple. Since every M/s relationship has unique a structure, it only makes sense that sometimes it seems like our issues are leading us into uncharted territory, and quite often the path to this territory depends on where the relationship found its beginnings. There Master and slave friends? Strangers? Lovers?

Angelflare and I were married before we decided to be 24/7, and our marriage already had established routines and habits. We played, we switched depending on the scene, and in many cases we were two dominants in a loving relationship. Quite often we’d bump heads, compete for dominance, and end up in a fight with nothing being accomplished. Taking this step helped us have defined roles, which made us a more productive and effective team, but it has lead to a few unforseen potholes in our journey to a functioning M/s relationship.

To be clear, defining these roles does not mean I am any less of a switch, just not with Angelflare. It also does not mean he has completely ceased to be a working member of our household. When I am sick he takes care of things. When I need help with chores or tasks he has no problem helping. In being Master he has not relinquished his role as husband, lover, or best friend. It merely changes the way we interact at times and defines what is expected of me before I ask for help and how I go about doing so.

One of the great things about being married before we were M/s is that we already know each other inside and out. Angelflare knows by my body language exactly how I’m feeling. He knows how I think, what makes me cry, and how to change my mind. I know when his mood has changed by his posture and whether or not he is serious or joking about anything. This has let us skip a lot of “getting to know you” faux pas and move on to the meat of our M/s.

Unfortunately, our familiarity is also sometimes a hinderance. I enjoy being able to sit with Angelflare and watch a movie. I love the moments where we joke and laugh until neither of us can breathe. He has brought it to my attention that sometimes these moments feel like a lapse in protocol and respect, that our familiarity keeps me from living in the mindset of a slave. The fact that I can be completely comfortable and honest with him is one of my favourite parts of our marriage, and the thought of having to give all of that up in the name of constant propriety and structure is not something I can imagine being the rest of my life with this man.

So, where do we find the balance where I can be the slave he needs but still have the moments that have always made us us. I find it hard to believe that we have lost our identity as a couple. How do we find ways to express that identity and have a strong M/s dynamic? How does he tell me when he needs me to be on pointe with my protocol, and when how I do let him know that I need the comfort of the man who makes me feel at home? Where is that place where it ebbs and flows and all becomes who we are? Has our identity changed, and if so has it changed for the better?

The answer to the latter is obviously, yes, as any relationship changes and evolves. The catch is finding the comfort, joy, and love in every new place life takes us together and not give in to nostalgia and feelings of loss, There are, however, key elements that will always be a part of us, and I know those things don’t go away because there are new rules. Our moments of familiarity will always be there, and part of my trust and confidence needs to lie in the belief that those key elements do not change or go away when those moments are over, when he may seem a little cooler, or when I’m being punished. I need to know that the familiarity we have will never dissipate, we just need to find the right ways to channel it into this new dynamic.

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Opting for Hopeless (Part 2)

July 20, 2012 at 00:57 (BDSM) (, , , , , , , , , , )


Gothic Ballerina, October 2008, Marcillé Raoul...

I wrote a couple days ago about the place for romanticism in a poly relationship.  As I did, I realized that I have heard the same comments about BDSM, D/s, and similar relationships.  Is there a place in a 24/7 M/s relationship for romanticism?  Dear gods, I hope so.

I think the first thing to address about a 24/7 relationship, well mine anyway, is that while I am always in service we are not always in a scene. We do have loving, tender, married couple sex.  We do have dates, sweet moments, and do touching things for one another.  So, yes, there is still room for romance in our life.  No, I would not expect flowers and mushy cards on a dungeon night, although I may expect a flogger or two to show up at the end of date night.  I’m kidding, but you get the point.

Unless the relationship is a completely detached, casual play situation with no intimacy I think romance finds a way in to a loving BDSM relationship.  It’s unstoppable, it’s inevitable, it’s vital.

Just an opinion from a slave who happens to be a hopeless romantic and wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

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Giving Up Control – A Slave’s Journey

May 20, 2012 at 22:04 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


After years of subbing for Angelflare on an event based basis we decided to try a 24/7 Master/slave arrangement.  There were a lot of questions before embarking on this endeavor.  What would it mean for our marriage?  How would I handle a live-in 24/7 arrangement as a switch, with a career, etc.  How would we work this new dynamic into an already established relationship?  It took some convincing and a lot of discussion, we’re talking hours and hours of emotionally charged conversation, but we finally decided we could handle at least giving it a try.

My first big hurdle was confidence.  As a submissive I am proud of my position; as a slave I was a twitchy mess.  It was not a state I could live in all the time.  I was stressed, emotional, and starting to get sick. I also lost all my strong dominant spirit. It took some pretty serious soul searching and a few good heart-to-hearts to process and accept that I could be Angelflare’s wife, Queen, and soul mate and still be his slave.  Then I had to figure out how to retain my willful flame while being in his collar.  While I am his the rest of the world is mine, and it’s a careful balance I had to handcraft from no experience I had ever had before.

My current blockage is control, moreso completely giving up control.  For short term occasional and events I have no hangups, but when it comes to long-term or permanent relinquishing of control I come to a point where I panic and have to make sure things are being properly done.   Why is this such an issue?

Some of what keeps fighting to hold on to my control is habit.  For most of my life I’ve had to take care of my self on some level, and I’ve fought very hard to get what I need and want.  It has been my experience that letting people make decisions for me and not putting up an independent Alpha female front has given people the right of way to take advantage of me.  It’s hard to suddenly give someone those reins and just hope I’m not putting myself in a situation that will lead to real life, long-term issues that would end up being mine, and mine alone, to rectify.  What if it weren’t something that could be rectified?

A more recently formed habit is within our marriage.  For most of our relationship I have been the one to make decisions and take care of responsibilities and agendas.  I held our household together through a lot of rough situations, and have been told by Angelflare himself that I am the one running things, even if just from the sidelines.  I know it’s a simple attitude and perspective adjustment that allows that all to happen even as a slave, but it is not an overnight change.

Another concern of mine is perception on Angelflare’s part.  While he is great at seeing the big picture and steps down the line he is not great at taking into account the little details that make up that big picture.  As someone with fibromyalgia I have to consider all those little details, things he doesn’t realize affect me the way they do.  My needs are not always things he considers needs, so it’s a matter of making him see how important the little things are in my world, otherwise I can’t go to work or take care of my duties to our family.  This is a major concern to me.

My last, and maybe biggest, point of discussion has been our marriage.  There are times where we have real couple issues and real family problems that need to be resolved as a team, and I need to be sure I can address these things honestly without fear of punishment.  My family and my marriage come before any and all things, and I will not do this if I can’t be sure we can work on problems instead of having them swept under the M/s rug.  There are situations where I need to be his wife before his slave, and in certain company it’s important that I have that title of respect and consideration.  I need to be sure he can make that judgment call and not rebuke me for being his wife.

We are slowly working through these things, and I have faith that we can.  He has given this a time frame that I’m not sure is a realistic marker for progress.  It’s taken us four and a half years to get to this point.  How can we get to the next checkpoint in merely 30 days?

There are points where I ask myself if this is a realistic goal.  I know couples do it, but is it for us?  I didn’t know until recently how much my dominant side takes over.  Can she be suppressed in this sort of venue?  I know he wants this, and I know he hopes it will be with me, so I’m giving it a serious try in hopes that he’ll at least appreciate the sacrifices I’m willing to make for this.  I don’t want it to hurt our relationship, whatever the outcome, and I recognize the opportunity for it to make us a stronger couple with at least a better awareness of how we interact and communicate.

In short, do I want to please my Master? Yes.  Do I want to be faithful to my duties to my family and my husband? Yes.  Do I know how to give up the only control that remains in my life?  No, but I’m learning as I go.

 

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