Common Sense as Protocol

July 26, 2012 at 21:48 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


la dame sans merci III duotone

I was recently sunk into several layers of thought after reading this blog by Graydancer.  In fact, I had to read it several times, follow the rabbit hole of links he provided for references, and read it again to begin to comprehend what I was reading.  It seems, friends, as if I’ve been doing it wrong.  Try to suppress your surprise that anyone in an alternative lifestyle should think anyone else in that same lifestyle is doing it wrong, and therefore offensive to the lifestyle as a whole, but this seems to be a more widespread topic of conversation than I thought, and I have come to the only possible conclusion one can in this situation, which I will share at the end just to keep you reading.

Back to the matter at hand.  This all starts when Graydancer types the word “domist”, which I read as the belief that Doms are privileged and subs are devalued.  The topic at hand was third-party permission, meaning this:  As a third-party, should one ask permission of my Master to speak with me assuming our dynamic is obvious and that third-party is familiar with what I have always assumed to be “scene courtesy”?  I have always taken this as a sign of respect for a couple’s dynamic.  If the slave is free to interact on her own I have still done no harm by asking first.  If not I have saved myself the issue of stepping on her Master’s toes.

Apparently there is dissent and disagreement on this matter.  There were two reactions that Graydancer garnered that particularly rubbed me in funny ways, especially as a slave.

The first was, “I don’t like being ignored!”, which nearly caused an aneurysm.  Seriously, I had to walk away from the computer and find something to beat my head against that Angelflare wouldn’t beat me for breaking.  The idea that my Master is the privileged one of the two of us is a bit of a “duh” statement for me.  Isn’t that the role I accepted when I chose to be a slave?  My pleasure is his pleasure.  My life is his life.  I am property.  It really doesn’t matter if I like being ignored or not.  That’s not my choice to make.  Greydancer does point out that if someone is asking permission to talk to me it’s not being ignored, and to me it’s even more than being spoken to directly.  I’m worth asking  permission to talk to!  That makes my slave heart smile!

The second comment that ruffled my slave feathers a bit was the idea that by expecting this courtesy Angelflare and I would be forcing our scene on them without consent!  Yeah, read that again.  What?  Here Graydancer does a great job of explaining that for many of us this is not a scene.  This is how we live our lives.  This is who we are.  Angelflare and I are not forcing you to do anything.  Of course you can ignore our wishes and talk to anyone you want, and I can choose to ignore you until you’ve obtained permission from my Master.  Who are you to assume you deserve a breach in my obedience?

The basis of Graydancer’s post, and the original one he links to about “domism”, seems to be gender.  The original poster seems to focus on male Doms and female submissives, citing “Patriarchal and heterosexist patterns” in a scene that, in her experience, is saturated by male Dominants.  I have to admit I can’t relate to her feelings, as that has not been my experience.  As a pansexual female switch married to a pansexual male switch who just happens to take the role as my Master I have not noticed a dynamic paradigm.  Our local community is fairly balanced, and I had not assumed others to be any different.  Nor is it really any of my business.  As a female I don’t take any offence to it. I don’t assume any of it happens because I’m a woman; I assume it’s because of the collar around my neck.  If I’m the one holding the leash I expect, and am afforded, the same courtesy no matter what the gender of the person on the other end.  This is how it should be.

My conclusion?  That we are all taking how other people live their lives way too seriously, especially for people who are publicly hailing our rights to live the way we wish and talk to who we wish, and so on, and so forth.  This is not high school.  This is not a life or death decision.  You will not die if you speak to me and I ignore you because I refuse to let you impose your desire to be a rebel on my protocols.  Just don’t do so if you don’t like to be ignored, because ignored you will be.

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Opting for Hopeless (Part 2)

July 20, 2012 at 00:57 (BDSM) (, , , , , , , , , , )


Gothic Ballerina, October 2008, Marcillé Raoul...

I wrote a couple days ago about the place for romanticism in a poly relationship.  As I did, I realized that I have heard the same comments about BDSM, D/s, and similar relationships.  Is there a place in a 24/7 M/s relationship for romanticism?  Dear gods, I hope so.

I think the first thing to address about a 24/7 relationship, well mine anyway, is that while I am always in service we are not always in a scene. We do have loving, tender, married couple sex.  We do have dates, sweet moments, and do touching things for one another.  So, yes, there is still room for romance in our life.  No, I would not expect flowers and mushy cards on a dungeon night, although I may expect a flogger or two to show up at the end of date night.  I’m kidding, but you get the point.

Unless the relationship is a completely detached, casual play situation with no intimacy I think romance finds a way in to a loving BDSM relationship.  It’s unstoppable, it’s inevitable, it’s vital.

Just an opinion from a slave who happens to be a hopeless romantic and wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

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SlaveCraft: A Book Review

July 14, 2012 at 22:45 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


English: Picture of User:Lady Byron wearing a ...

I just finished reading SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, and while there was not much new information in it, nor did I agree with all of it, it did serve as a useful base not only to explore my own thoughts and feelings but to start a running dialogue between me and Angelflare.

The concept of the book is excellent.  While there are plenty of books on how to be submissive, dominant, or kinky in general, there are few books on how to be a full-time slave written by slaves.  Jumping into a 24/7, M/s relationship can be intimidating, as I’ve discovered these past few months.  A slave runs into emotions she doesn’t know how to process while fulfilling her role as slave, fears and insecurities she didn’t know she had, and situations she is unprepared for and unsure how to navigate.  These things can be a distraction, a hindrance, and a detriment, and the stress of balancing them with new rules and protocol has the potential to bring down the entire relationship.  Having talked about it all with Angelflare, I know that Masters often feel just as frustrated by these roadblocks.  It’s new territory on both sides, and no matter how much experience either person has, each one is different, and each one has its own unique challenges and weak points that need to be addressed and fortified.

SlaveCraft gives refreshing assurance to new slaves and a much needed reminder to those with experience that the things they are experiencing are normal, that they can be worked through, and that in the end they will strengthen both the slave and the relationship.  It offers ideas for solutions and methods to help the process and gives a little insight into why some of these issues exist and arise when they do.

In lieu of writing out a litany of likes and dislikes, I’m going to lay this out the way the book is written, essay by essay.  I will also state now that most of my “dislikes” are not aversions.  They’re simply either not how I view my service or myself as a slave or not how Angelflare has structured our relationship.  There are also certain differences that come with being married to my Master that are not considered in the book.

Essay 1: The Call to Submission

This essay reminds us that slaves come to the lifestyle and decide to be slaves in as many ways as there are slaves, but its main message is “Slavery requires bravery”, something that is often overlooked by Masters and slaves alike.  I have met potential submissives who believe that all they need to do is do everything I say, and that’s it!  I have met Masters that feel the same way and don’t feel that slaves should have any sort of adjustment process or they must obviously not be meant for slavery.  This essay reminds us that it slavery means facing and overcoming fears and insecurities.

Essay 2: The Myth of “Slave Training”

I can understand where the author is going with this essay, but in my experience he is a little off base.  While he has a point that there are many Masters who do not understand what goes on inside a slave at the start of a M/s relationship, some take a very vested interest in it.  Like the author, I do believe in a tiered household situation where novice slaves are trained by other slaves, but I do believe a Master has to have some involvement as well in order to know how each of his slaves operates and each slave’s unique strengths and issues.  I do not, however, agree that Masters are looking for “already up to par” slaves.  Maybe some are for short-term reasons, but I believe that, if a long-term relationship is going to exists, a Master needs to shape his slaves the way he wants them, not the way someone else had at one time.  Angelflare has been very open with me about how he is shaping me as a slave, and it has helped me understand a little what I believe every good Master should go through with each slave individually.  My biggest issue with this essay was the statement that “Love, if it happens, is not usually enough to ensure that we’ll be kept around.”  As Angelflare’s wife I firmly believe that it is our love that keeps me around whether this works or not.  I do not receive special benefits or leniency because he loves me, and I am doing everything in my power to make him happy as his slave, but I do not believe he will tire of my service and dispose of me as his wife.

Essay 3: Finding My Slavery

I found this essay to be one of my favourites.  In my opinion it brings up one of the most limiting blockages many slaves face, definitely the biggest one I have; Intuition.  The author brings up finding one’s inner slave much as one might speak of shadow self or conscience, as something to be fostered, acknowledged, and heeded.  Too often we let the intellectual aspects of service and what is expected of us as slaves get in the way of our natural tendency to want to serve and serve well.  Instinct is a huge aspect of service as long as we stop overthinking and start letting that instinct take over. In Part II the author brings up the poignant reminder that slavery is an agreement we first make with ourselves.  When Angelflare and I started he made sure it was what I wanted.  The decision to do this was all mine, and I made it on my own.  From there his next point was apparent.  By giving I am more likely to receive what I need.  It was a struggle at first, but I’m starting to understand that on a deeper level.  From there he talks about conditions in slavery, and he’s right when he says that total submission as a slave cannot happen if there are conditions.  Does Angelflare know my hard limits, fears, phobias, and physical limitations?  Of course he does, so there’s no reason to put them in writing and speak of them as limitations.  There is only trust that he values me enough not to cross those lines in a way that will be harmful and only cross them when they are no longer useful and need to be faced and cast away.

Essay 4: The Principle of “Identity”

The very first thing I recognized in this essay was one of the first issues Angelflare and I faced together: perception of effort.  In the beginning it may have appeared to him that I wasn’t trying to get over my internal issues and clear my mental blockages.  In reality I was doing everything I could think of, but much as I find it nearly impossible to use a curling iron on my own head I also found it hard to pinpoint and fix the issues within myself.  It wasn’t until we talked about it that he was able to see just how hard I had been trying all along.  What this essay mostly gave me as a slave was a reminder that who I am, everything I am, is his.  My job, my hobbies, my side projects all exist because they are pieces of me he chooses to keep.  It also talks about Identity Drift and how to recenter oneself, a lesson I’ve been learning over the last month away from home.  It’s actually been an extremely useful separation period but that’s a whole different post.

Essay 5: The Principle of Obedience

This essay deals with “becoming accomplished at obedience” as the only concern of a slave.  I do not agree with is the idea that obedience requires all surrender of independent thought, that “the most damaging threat possible” to a relationship is a slave’s thoughts, and that a slave needs to be protected from her thoughts.  While I will put any order I receive from Angelflare first and foremost, if I notice something he does not that could make following that order destructive, dangerous, or costly, I consider it my duty to him to mention it with as much respect as possible, not to blindly follow the order and find myself in a bind.  Of course, this only applies in serious situations, and if I bring it up and he still insists I am to trust his methods and follow the order knowing he is full aware of what I have seen.  The author hits the nail on the head when he says that obedience is more than just following orders.  It’s about doing it without resentment or misery, but with the spirit of service and a desire to please.  This is, admittedly, something I struggle with at times.  I am currently working on finding pleasure in the act as opposed to merely working towards an end.  The final section of the essay addresses working together as Master and slave to fix emotional issues that cause a lapse in obedience, something Angelflare is insistent upon, and I cannot agree more that it has the propensity to strengthen our bond and increase my faith in his role as Master.

Essay 6: The Principle of Transparency

Again I see where the author is going with this essay, but I don’t agree with all of it.  I agree with his point that worry breeds unnecessary paranoia and that I should accept that my Master wants me for all of me.  It also brings up the idea that a good slave lives only in the present state of her relationship, that she should be content that she is what he wants for now and leave the future completely up to him, and as a wife I find it hard to accept that.  I cannot just go blindly into a future with the belief that this is what he wants for now and find that good enough.

Essay 7: The Principle of Humility

This was a long essay, so I’ll try to be concise.  Angelflare is big on pride, but he also wants me to better myself and be the best I can be.  I believe that requires at least a little pride, just not pride that is aimed in his direction.  I belong to him, but outside of that the world is mine.  I can see why the author has his rituals of humility, but I find them hard to relate to.  He strives to remain unseen where there are times Angelflare wants to show me off.  I find it unnecessary to sit in the most uncomfortable seat available as long as I have ensured Angelflare and any guest’s comfort.  I find it wasteful to not finish all the food on one’s plate, and honestly, I don’t think Angelflare cares where I put my clothes in this hotel room.  I don’t think these things foster humility as much as actually practicing humility when dealing with Angelflare and remembering my place in his household.

Essay 8: Permutations

The first thing that struck me in this essay was the discussion about changing a slave’s ideas, opinions, and tastes to match her Master’s.  The example given is smoking, and I’m not sure I’d stay with a Master who made it that important for me to do something unhealthy and detrimental to my health, but I understand the idea.  I am starting to learn this level of adjustment within myself, and it’s getting easier to do so.  The rest deal with attention and sacrifice, something I feel we’ve dealt with in abundance already.

Essay 9: Dealing with Fear

Fear has been one of the biggest things for me to get over as we push forward in this M/s dynamic.  Fear for my marriage, fear for my family, fear for my career, and fear that it would all fall apart if I was inadequate as a slave.  It has never been a fear of public perception.  We’ve been out of that realm for some time now, but I feared losing my self.  I feared losing what Angelflare loved in me.  No matter how many times he assured me that he wanted me as a slave, not just a slave that looked like me, I still held back.  I am still working on what the author mentions in SlaveCraft.  I am still training myself to scan my emotions, find the reasons for my fears, and face them head on.  Only by experiencing what I am afraid of and coming out of it intact can I release those fears.

Essay 10: Using or Processing Pain

Most of this essay is an excerpt from Joseph W Bean’s Leathersex: A Gruide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player.  It explains how different people process pain differently and why.  It also discusses how certain means of pain processing can hinder the full experience of a scene, and it’s something I will keep in mind in my next scene.  Dealing with Fibromyalgia I have my own ways to work through pain, but that will be its own post someday soon.

While this book didn’t tell me anything new it did give me a few useful ways to use  information I already had.  I would recommend the book to both Master and slave in any forming M/s relationship, but I would encourage you to read it with an open yet critical mind and decide what best works for your dynamic, your Master, and your inner slave.

To read for yourselves, look for SlaveCraft: Roadmap for Erotic Servitude by a grateful slave, with Guy Baldwin, M.S.  Make sure you read the introduction and afterword by Patrick Califia, M.A.  

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Slaves as Property

January 8, 2012 at 18:03 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


When a Master takes a slave she is considered property.  She is a possession, and object, and in most cases a tool.  As a slave, a big part of the trust and commitment to a master comes with how he treats his property.  Right away she can tell if he has respect or concern for his slaves, and what value they hold in his life.  This is something my Dom, Angelflare,  and I have gone back and forth over, and we have yet to come to a resolution that has made me comfortable enough for him to be my Master.  It’s lead to arguments and an inability to compromise, until now.  We have decided that the only way for me to know how he treats a slave is to be one, so we are going to give it a trial run.

There are different ways to treat property, and any good slave notices this in a Master.  What a slave will accept and prefer is up to each individual.  Some decide to be treated like junk.  They want to be used, abused, and discarded until Master wants to use them again.  These slaves take their pleasure in being disposable yet indestructible.  They can be tattered, battered, and torn and still not tossed away.  They know they are worn as costume jewelry.  Taken care of and treasured, but replaceable.  On the other side of the spectrum is a slave who knows her worth and needs to be treated like valuable property.  She knows that her training, skill, and grace make her priceless to a Master.  She knows she will be used and punished as Master desires and sees fit, but she will also be cherished and shown off with pride.  She will not be harmed, but will be protected as one would a crystal vase or diamond ring.

Angelflare believes this value should be proven and earned, and he’s right, but I feel in the last four years that we’ve been together I have put in at least some of that time.  As his wife I know he sees a value in me.  I don’t pretend it will cause him to go easy on me or give me special treatment as a slave, but I do expect it to give me a certain worth in his eyes and his heart.

Here lies the tricky part about a M/S marriage.  No matter how well this trial run works, if it seems to be unhealthy for our marriage we must stop.  There are parts of our life that require us to appear as a unit, a team.  To show this M/S dynamic would make us look weak or dysfunctional.  This will be a larger topic as we begin and I begin to document this trial period.

I want to have faith that Angelflare can treat his property well and not as trash found in the street.  I have faith that if he wants that he will find a slave who also wants that.  I will scene it, but I it’s not what I need in a 24/7 situation.  I need to be valued.  I am valuable, and I am proud to serve any Master who can recognize that.

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