On Littles Being Littles

January 28, 2016 at 12:42 (BDSM) (, , , , , )


“She’s a little.  What do you expect? “

These words make me cringe, an I wish I could say they weren’t ones I hear too often.   As a matter of fact,  I was horrified when I came to the realization that I’m a Little myself, though less Hello Kitty Little, more Wednesday Addams Little.  I’ve been to my share of events and conventions,  always making a point to avoid the Littles’ corner, as there is not an ounce of tolerance in me for bratty, whiney, petulant behaviour.  Did I act that way and not know it?

The answer was yesand no.

You see, I can be a little bratty and difficult when I want to be.  I can be cute and cuddly.  I can earn a damned good spanking or rewards when I want to.  When I want to.

I can also sit and have a rational discussion, like an adult.  No matter who my Daddy is, I can conduct myself like the mature woman I am, and he expects me to be able to do so.  We can talk politics or household issues.  We can discuss work, families, and hobbies.   I can socialize with mentamours and vanilla friends.  Why? Because I’m an adult, that’s why, and a real life relationship between adults requires it.  

I don’t know where the idea came from that Littles have found a magic loophole that allows them to shirk responsibilities, but it’s simply not true.  It’s not fair to anyone to pout or stomp my way out of an argument or into an uncomfortable situation.  It’s not fair to anyone to make anyone else pull my extra weight because I’ve decided not to be an adult when appropriate.  It’s a disservice to a partner to enable unacceptable behaviour as a person with the excuse that “Littles are gonna be Littles”, and it’s offensive to those of us who conduct ourselves like decent human beings.  

Maybe this makes me a bad Little, but I’d rather be a bad Little than a hurtful partner, but there must be an expectation that a Little knows the appropriate time and place to be a Little and when to be an adult.  That’s what separates us from actual children.

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On Being a Switch: Picking a Side

March 6, 2013 at 21:15 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


When Angelflare and I met we were both Switches.  Don’t get me wrong, we still are, but we have chosen to live as a 24/7 M/s couple.  Because of this, we no longer switch with each other.  While I love the way our marriage has grown and strengthened as a result of our M/s, I also feel like a part of who we were is gone. I used to love that we could explore with each other on both sides of the whip, and at this time it is not a part of our relationship.

Bring in Angelflare’s girlfriend, A, who is a Dominant, and a deep part of myself that I had pushed down when we decided to take on a 24/7 relationship is awakened.  It’s hard for me to suppress feelings of loss and regret.  I miss who we were.  I miss how free we used to be with each other, and

Pulling

sometimes I feel like there are so many rules and so many compartments we’ve built for our relationship that I start to feel stifled and cornered.

This is an issue I did not foresee when we changed our arrangement, and one of the few places where I still find myself holding a lot of jealousy and resentment.  There are very few things that are unique to our relationship, but now there’s this significant one that is unique to theirs, one I really enjoyed and miss very much.  Not that I’ve pinpointed it I can begin to work through it, but it’s going to take some work, and maybe someday we can work out an arrangement that fulfills that desire in me again.

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A Fetlife PSA I Wrote About Adult Behaviour

November 21, 2012 at 19:23 (Fetlife) (, , , , )


I am taking time out of my NaNoWriMo word count to write this, because it’s gotten out of hand. I try to keep drama out of my life, and that includes my public life on the internet, especially when it has nothing to do with me. This is a small community, and combining poly and kink makes it even smaller, which means the chance is great that our social circles and event calendars will cross paths. We claim to be an “adult” community. Why then is it so hard for us to act like adults?

Here are a few guideline to help us all get along like drama free adults:

1. When you see post from people you’ve clashed with on the internet, especially on walls of mutual friends, ignore them. I never mind a little venting, but I start to notice that the moment I get a comment on my status update or forum post from the person you are obviously following like a detective I get a text, or worse, a response to their comment ON MY WALL that is in no way relevent except to try to one-up the previous comment. STOP! I am not a mediator, babysitter, or therapist. Deal with your issues somewhere else. If you have to block each other or tell your friends to block each other, this is not adult behaviour. If you’re checking up on who their new play partners, subs, or lovers are to t he point where they have to block you, this is not adult behaviour. You can say whatever you want in your business, but when it crosses over to mine I just don’t care anymore.

2. When you hear of people you’ve clashed with planning on attending events you plan to be at ignore them. It makes both of you look bad if you have to talk to friends, “protectors”, and event staff about your issues, especially if you ask them to talk to the other person in advance “just in case”. It makes you both defensive and prone to be jumpy, and it makes the rest of us want to not even go if our good time is going to be ruined by your failure to deal with adversity like an adult. I certainly don’t want to have my scene disrupted because of some petty dispute, and I look to event staff to handle both of you appropriately if there is a problem, not just the one you perceive to be in the wrong. Keep it private, friends.

3. When you do see people you’ve clashed with in the past at an event…ignore them!
It’s true, and it’s simple. Showing up at the same local public event does not equate to stalking or harassment. Good events are few and far between, and they have just as much a right to be there as you do. On the same vein, you CAN see someone at an event without talking to her. Go figure! This is not the moment to pine or reconcile. This is not the time to feel victimized because she talked to someone you’re trying to play with. This is your moment to shine as a mature adult. There is no reason both of you need to have a negative experience in a room built for hundreds, or even tens. I have been at private residence parties where I haven’t noticed certain people in attendance. If you’re not looking for a problem you won’t find one, but it takes two to make things drama free and fun for everyone.

4. We are here to have fun, so have fun, and say it with me this time, ignore them!!!! I know we are all serious, and this is a big important lifestyle, but when it comes down to it we are all here to enjoy ourselves and have a good time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is in it for the wrong reasons. Nothing personal, but no matter how close we are as friends, if you cause these issues on my wall and create unneccessary stress for me I will simply remove you from my online community. I am not the fet police, and neither are you. It is not your place to make people go away or steer them away from newcomers. If they aren’t good for the community they will be organically pushed out without your help. You should have more important things to do anyway, right?

I hope this has been helpful, especially in cutting down any hurt feelings if this behaviour continues and my friends list is drastically filtered of the people who bring this kind of drama and conflict into my world. We all have the power to act like adults with brains in our heads, and this is not a place for childish behaviour or dick measuring.

Thanks, and carry on.

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Choosing Pain

July 28, 2012 at 00:12 (BDSM) (, , , , , , , , , , , )


BDSM activity

I was recently asked to give my two cents for an article about chronic conditions, physical limitations, disabilities etc and kink, the main question being Why would one who is in chronic pain choose to be in more pain?  As some of you may know, I am have Type 1 Diabetes and Fibromyalgia, and because of both I can be anywhere from mildly irritated to severely debilitated on any given day.   This has created a few extra considerations in how I lead a BDSM lifestyle, and at times has been a slight inconvenience.  It  has also not only helped in some ways, but the benefit seems to be mutual, meaning my kink and my chronic pain have found ways to improve each other.  Who knew?

A friend of mine who is a tattoo artist mentioned to be during my last session  that she has noticed a higher tolerance from people with chronic pain when it comes to tattoos.  The theory there is that we have grown so accustomed to dealing with deep aches and pains on a daily basis that the superficial irritation caused by tattooing is not registered as intensely by our nerves.  I have noticed the same can be said for flogging, spanking, scratching, and most other surface sensation pain during a scene.  Unless it’s a particularly bad day for me, as long as Angelflare doesn’t bite into me right away, I have more endurance than I used to.

Having a day-to-day condition has pushed Angelflare to get to know my body language more intimately than he might have to otherwise.  I never have to tell my Master I’m having a bad day or what tasks I may be incapable of performing.  He already knows.  This has strengthened the trust I have that he will always protect me as his slave, and I am more ready to be blindly obedient knowing he has that kind of consideration and ability to read my pain and energy levels.

In what ways has kink helped my chronic pain?  For one thing, fire play and percussion play are an excellent way to massage and loosen muscles, not to mention the endorphin release our bodies naturally experience at times of intense pleasure or pain, but it goes even beyond that.  Being in service has done wonders to fill the hole my illness tore in my self esteem.

When I started to get sick I felt useless as both a wife and a lover.  I couldn’t take care of my family or our house.  We couldn’t have sex at all let alone engage in any kind of kink activities.  I was sure Angelflare hated me and regretted marrying me.  I felt sick, ugly, old, fat, weak, and broken.  It took me a long time to heal those wounds to my confidence, and being in service has helped with that.  I feel wanted, I feel capable, and I know that I will be pushed to go until I need to stop not just until I want to stop.  Being a slave has also given me a constant awareness of my body, which has helped me identify bad days from just feeling down or every day aches and pains, and has given me no wiggle room to make excused.  Angelflare will tell me when to rest.  Until then, I have to believe I still have the strength.

The biggest benefit I have gotten out of kink has been community.  Whenever I have been sick or had a particularly bad stretch our friends in the community have been the first to offer support in any way possible.  It’s always been one of the best unexpected side-effects of our lifestyle, and I would never trade it for anything.

To answer the original question, why would I choose pain?  It’s the same reason anyone in the lifestyle would still be mad at an unrequested punch in the face.  When the pain comes from something I’ve chosen, something that brings me pleasure, or at least brings Angelflare pleasure, the pain is acceptable.  Chronic pain or not, I can’t think of anyone who would get pleasure out of breaking a leg in a skiing accident.  The concept here is the same.

The pain I choose is pain I can harness and transform into something powerful, something positive, something that cannot be replicated.  The pain I choose is mine, and it is bliss.  The pain I choose makes the pain I do not seem a million miles away.  The pain I choose makes me feel desired, and beautiful, and strong, even when I do not feel like it.  The pain I choose makes me feel human again, and that’s something I never want to lose sight of again.

 

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Opting for Hopeless (Part 2)

July 20, 2012 at 00:57 (BDSM) (, , , , , , , , , , )


Gothic Ballerina, October 2008, Marcillé Raoul...

I wrote a couple days ago about the place for romanticism in a poly relationship.  As I did, I realized that I have heard the same comments about BDSM, D/s, and similar relationships.  Is there a place in a 24/7 M/s relationship for romanticism?  Dear gods, I hope so.

I think the first thing to address about a 24/7 relationship, well mine anyway, is that while I am always in service we are not always in a scene. We do have loving, tender, married couple sex.  We do have dates, sweet moments, and do touching things for one another.  So, yes, there is still room for romance in our life.  No, I would not expect flowers and mushy cards on a dungeon night, although I may expect a flogger or two to show up at the end of date night.  I’m kidding, but you get the point.

Unless the relationship is a completely detached, casual play situation with no intimacy I think romance finds a way in to a loving BDSM relationship.  It’s unstoppable, it’s inevitable, it’s vital.

Just an opinion from a slave who happens to be a hopeless romantic and wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

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Attitude Adjustment – A Slave’s Journey

May 30, 2012 at 20:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


In my last post I addressed the issue of control, mainly my issue with giving it all away.  This week has been a rare opportunity, as I am on vacation from work and able to focus on my service.  Angelflare and I have both given this time the onus of deciding our future as a 24/7  M/s couple.  I had decided it myself before he brought it up, and we both cited the same basic reason: Attitude.

I have been aware for some time that I can be defensive, emotional, and at times I use my words as weapons.  They’re all I’ve got.  I can’t take many people in a fight, I don’t have wealth or affluence, nor am I a particularly intimidating person.  I have also been aware that this is not acceptable behaviour for a slave and have worked very hard to take the bite out of my words, even when I’m upset.  This has not always been successful, but I have been making progress.  At least, I thought I had.

Just as with the control issue I have no problem conceptualizing what needs to be done.  I have no problem understanding how I need to respond when he pushes my buttons.  The problem I have is deeper and entirely emotional, my response burning and angry before  I even have a chance to get my intention and reasoning across more respectfully.  Frankly, I’m not good at holding my tongue, and once it’s out and I realize I’ve gone too far or just don’t care.

Of course, I do care once I’ve calmed down.  I want this to work.  I want to please him, and I want to make him proud of me.  So, what do I do about this?  Count to ten? Deep breaths?  I can hold my tongue in a sterile environment for a short time.  I’ve been pretty calm this week for the most part.  He’s even offered an incentive and consequences.  It’s the moment I’m already stressed and he starts pressing my buttons to get a reaction that I fail miserably.  It’s the moment I think about it always being this way that I feel helpless and trapped.

All I can do at this time is keep working towards the goal, accept the consequences, and hope he doesn’t give up on me.  Am I really cut out for this? If not, does that make me a failure?  I recognize a slave can be independent and strong-willed in the rest of her life, and I’m trying to incorporate the two.  If I can’t “hack it”, as he so eloquently puts it, does that make me flawed and weak?  Or is his term meant to make me try harder and prove him wrong.  Is he using my own stubbornness against me?

Only one way to find out…

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Giving Up Control – A Slave’s Journey

May 20, 2012 at 22:04 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


After years of subbing for Angelflare on an event based basis we decided to try a 24/7 Master/slave arrangement.  There were a lot of questions before embarking on this endeavor.  What would it mean for our marriage?  How would I handle a live-in 24/7 arrangement as a switch, with a career, etc.  How would we work this new dynamic into an already established relationship?  It took some convincing and a lot of discussion, we’re talking hours and hours of emotionally charged conversation, but we finally decided we could handle at least giving it a try.

My first big hurdle was confidence.  As a submissive I am proud of my position; as a slave I was a twitchy mess.  It was not a state I could live in all the time.  I was stressed, emotional, and starting to get sick. I also lost all my strong dominant spirit. It took some pretty serious soul searching and a few good heart-to-hearts to process and accept that I could be Angelflare’s wife, Queen, and soul mate and still be his slave.  Then I had to figure out how to retain my willful flame while being in his collar.  While I am his the rest of the world is mine, and it’s a careful balance I had to handcraft from no experience I had ever had before.

My current blockage is control, moreso completely giving up control.  For short term occasional and events I have no hangups, but when it comes to long-term or permanent relinquishing of control I come to a point where I panic and have to make sure things are being properly done.   Why is this such an issue?

Some of what keeps fighting to hold on to my control is habit.  For most of my life I’ve had to take care of my self on some level, and I’ve fought very hard to get what I need and want.  It has been my experience that letting people make decisions for me and not putting up an independent Alpha female front has given people the right of way to take advantage of me.  It’s hard to suddenly give someone those reins and just hope I’m not putting myself in a situation that will lead to real life, long-term issues that would end up being mine, and mine alone, to rectify.  What if it weren’t something that could be rectified?

A more recently formed habit is within our marriage.  For most of our relationship I have been the one to make decisions and take care of responsibilities and agendas.  I held our household together through a lot of rough situations, and have been told by Angelflare himself that I am the one running things, even if just from the sidelines.  I know it’s a simple attitude and perspective adjustment that allows that all to happen even as a slave, but it is not an overnight change.

Another concern of mine is perception on Angelflare’s part.  While he is great at seeing the big picture and steps down the line he is not great at taking into account the little details that make up that big picture.  As someone with fibromyalgia I have to consider all those little details, things he doesn’t realize affect me the way they do.  My needs are not always things he considers needs, so it’s a matter of making him see how important the little things are in my world, otherwise I can’t go to work or take care of my duties to our family.  This is a major concern to me.

My last, and maybe biggest, point of discussion has been our marriage.  There are times where we have real couple issues and real family problems that need to be resolved as a team, and I need to be sure I can address these things honestly without fear of punishment.  My family and my marriage come before any and all things, and I will not do this if I can’t be sure we can work on problems instead of having them swept under the M/s rug.  There are situations where I need to be his wife before his slave, and in certain company it’s important that I have that title of respect and consideration.  I need to be sure he can make that judgment call and not rebuke me for being his wife.

We are slowly working through these things, and I have faith that we can.  He has given this a time frame that I’m not sure is a realistic marker for progress.  It’s taken us four and a half years to get to this point.  How can we get to the next checkpoint in merely 30 days?

There are points where I ask myself if this is a realistic goal.  I know couples do it, but is it for us?  I didn’t know until recently how much my dominant side takes over.  Can she be suppressed in this sort of venue?  I know he wants this, and I know he hopes it will be with me, so I’m giving it a serious try in hopes that he’ll at least appreciate the sacrifices I’m willing to make for this.  I don’t want it to hurt our relationship, whatever the outcome, and I recognize the opportunity for it to make us a stronger couple with at least a better awareness of how we interact and communicate.

In short, do I want to please my Master? Yes.  Do I want to be faithful to my duties to my family and my husband? Yes.  Do I know how to give up the only control that remains in my life?  No, but I’m learning as I go.

 

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An introduction…kind of.

October 18, 2011 at 17:53 (Uncategorized) (, )


So, I’ve been deliberating for months how to start this blog.  I couldn’t see just popping up a post without some kind of introduction, but isn’t an introduction just a clone of the “about” page?  Maybe I think about it too much, but it seemed awkward to just start writing, so here it is, a brief introduction.

In most circles I go by Autumn, and in the BDSM scene I am known as Sintangible.  I am a switch with both a Master and my own collared subs.  I am pansexual and polyamorous.  I enjoy a myriad of things, most of which will be discussed here at some point.  I am not a fan of lists.

My goal with this blog is to educate and to chronicle my development.  I do not claim to be an expert, but I can share what I do know and what I learn in my adventures.  Wherever I can be useful, I will be.  If I can teach anyone anything they didn’t already know I will consider this blog a success.  In addition, my goal is to network, and broaden my knowledge base.  Writing about what I know forces me to learn more about the subject, since I like to give as thorough and accurate information as I can.

So there you have it, Sin in summation.  I look forward to this new blog.  I hope you’ll take this adventure with me.

Sin-cerely

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