What I’ve Done on Sabbatical

October 17, 2012 at 01:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


 

I almost gave it up. In fact, for a few days I did give it all up. I handed in my collar. I was done. It was all quite histrionic, and the fallout was felt immediately. In the course of a day my collar was gone, my marriage was crumbling, and I had managed to begin the process of pushing away someone who I care for deeply. I had worked through a particularly rough week, but something else had broken. To this day I don’t know what it was, but something deep inside me gave up, and something needed to change.

 

This is my response to anyone who tells me that a D/s relationship, let alone marriage, is easy. The “I just do what you say, right?” idealism that any new subs hold on to is not only dangerous but foolish as well. Despite all the work I was doing and all the problems I was having somewhere deep inside myself I still held this belief that it should be easy. I just needed to do what he said. Anyone could do it, so why was I struggling? That initial crack in my self-confidence as a slave began the eventual cave in that lead me to hand in my collar and almost walk away from my husband. It took us an entire weekend to be able to speak to each other in a civil tone, and in the end the only things that was clear to me were that I had a lot of questions and that I didn’t want to leave.

 

I grappled with a lot of questions.  If I were not his slave would our marriage survive?  Was this the only way I was desirable sexually?  If we did stay together would our family and our marriage ever take priority over his slaves? I was afraid of the answers.  He has been the only constant and the only guarantee I have ever had, and I was handing it over.  How would I move on from this?

 

Needless to say we had to start over in a sense.  I had to earn back my collar, but I also needed to restructure things within myself that would not just lead to another implosion.  I hadn’t known I was so close to “getting it”.  I hadn’t realized what a good job I was doing.  In my mind I was failing, and failure was unacceptable.  Eventually there was a point where I had to listen to the most simple advice he’s ever given me.  “Stop thinking about it.”  It sounded counterproductive at first.  If I didn’t worry about being better how would I know if I was falling short?  The answer to that, of course, is simply that he’d tell me and we’d correct it.

 

In the midst of all this I managed to get my heartbroken.  If Angelflare is nothing else, he is supportive and understanding.  He’s let me have my moments as long as we’ve stayed on track, and the experience as a whole has brought us closer.  I can’t imagine going through this sadness and confusion if we were still strained.  I’m not sure I could have handled it.

 

I’ve spent the last several weeks rebuilding and redefining what my service means, what my marriage means, and what my love means.  In the end I believe we needed this to bring us back to center and show us where we were terribly off base and out of touch with that we really wanted and needed.

 

I have, in fact, earned my collar back.  I have also learned better coping and communication skills, something that has held me back a lot as a slave.  I am more stable and able to see more clearly how this fits in our lives, and I am really starting to enjoy it…and sharing it with all of you.

 

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Familiarity

August 19, 2012 at 11:26 (M/S) (, , , , , , , )


couples in park

In the beginning of a 24/7 relationship there are changes and challenges at every turn. Some of them are anticipated, and some will completely blindside even the most prepared couple. Since every M/s relationship has unique a structure, it only makes sense that sometimes it seems like our issues are leading us into uncharted territory, and quite often the path to this territory depends on where the relationship found its beginnings. There Master and slave friends? Strangers? Lovers?

Angelflare and I were married before we decided to be 24/7, and our marriage already had established routines and habits. We played, we switched depending on the scene, and in many cases we were two dominants in a loving relationship. Quite often we’d bump heads, compete for dominance, and end up in a fight with nothing being accomplished. Taking this step helped us have defined roles, which made us a more productive and effective team, but it has lead to a few unforseen potholes in our journey to a functioning M/s relationship.

To be clear, defining these roles does not mean I am any less of a switch, just not with Angelflare. It also does not mean he has completely ceased to be a working member of our household. When I am sick he takes care of things. When I need help with chores or tasks he has no problem helping. In being Master he has not relinquished his role as husband, lover, or best friend. It merely changes the way we interact at times and defines what is expected of me before I ask for help and how I go about doing so.

One of the great things about being married before we were M/s is that we already know each other inside and out. Angelflare knows by my body language exactly how I’m feeling. He knows how I think, what makes me cry, and how to change my mind. I know when his mood has changed by his posture and whether or not he is serious or joking about anything. This has let us skip a lot of “getting to know you” faux pas and move on to the meat of our M/s.

Unfortunately, our familiarity is also sometimes a hinderance. I enjoy being able to sit with Angelflare and watch a movie. I love the moments where we joke and laugh until neither of us can breathe. He has brought it to my attention that sometimes these moments feel like a lapse in protocol and respect, that our familiarity keeps me from living in the mindset of a slave. The fact that I can be completely comfortable and honest with him is one of my favourite parts of our marriage, and the thought of having to give all of that up in the name of constant propriety and structure is not something I can imagine being the rest of my life with this man.

So, where do we find the balance where I can be the slave he needs but still have the moments that have always made us us. I find it hard to believe that we have lost our identity as a couple. How do we find ways to express that identity and have a strong M/s dynamic? How does he tell me when he needs me to be on pointe with my protocol, and when how I do let him know that I need the comfort of the man who makes me feel at home? Where is that place where it ebbs and flows and all becomes who we are? Has our identity changed, and if so has it changed for the better?

The answer to the latter is obviously, yes, as any relationship changes and evolves. The catch is finding the comfort, joy, and love in every new place life takes us together and not give in to nostalgia and feelings of loss, There are, however, key elements that will always be a part of us, and I know those things don’t go away because there are new rules. Our moments of familiarity will always be there, and part of my trust and confidence needs to lie in the belief that those key elements do not change or go away when those moments are over, when he may seem a little cooler, or when I’m being punished. I need to know that the familiarity we have will never dissipate, we just need to find the right ways to channel it into this new dynamic.

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A Very Merry Sinbirthday to Me

August 11, 2012 at 22:03 (BDSM) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )


birthday party

It all started with a Tweet.

This year I spent my birthday at the Floating World, a weekend long fet event.  Being my first, I was excited, and admittedly a little nervous, but I went into the mode in which I work the best; pack and prep.  Once that was done, the only recourse I had was to make sure I made an appropriate entrance into the realm of local kink events.  The fact that it would be my birthday had already given Angelflare delicious ideas, and I was anxious to see how the weekend would treat me.

Then there was Twitter, where one of my followers is The Floating World.  I very naively had sent them a Tweet asking if they had any packing sugegstions for newbies, obviously forgetting the kind of smart-assed crowd our community can be.  I received an answer, albeit an entirely unhelpfull one, suggesting newbies be wraped in bubble wrap.  “Not because they’re fragile.  We just like bubble wrap.”    With that in mind, I got to work.

What I ended up with was this:

And so, our adventure began!

I arrived Thursday night straight from work, still in my work uniform and exhausted from the ride, which included two SEPTA trains and a New Jersey Transit double-decker.  I managed to gt us unpacked and organized, double-checked our class schedules, and hit the bed running with dreams of suspended sugarplums dancing in my head.  My classes of the day included tips in suspension for curvy girls, M/s philosophies, and service positions.  I met some new people, made some new contacts, and had some insightful conversations.  I ran into a few people I recognized, which is still a rare but joyous thing for me, and managed to find my foothold in a somewhat overwhelming environment.  I felt immediately upon entering the facility that I was somewhere I belonged, but by the end of the day I felt like I was not going to just follow; I was going to flourish!

That night Angelflare decided it was time to debut my creation, and for him to unveil his plans to honour my birthday.  I bounced in my ebullient plastic skirt as people stopped me to ask for a pop or two, and I considered auctioning off the bubbles in the good bits.  Then it was time to really get the fun started.  I was pierced in both arms with a total of twenty-nine needles with birthday candles glued to them.  Once they were lit, a group of people who had flocked to watch sang the slowest version of Happy Birthday I have ever heard as birthday candle wax started to trickle, drip, and coat the skin around the needles before I could blow them out.  The resulting high was phenomenal.  I don’t remember the rest of that night, but at some point I lost the bubble wrap dress and sang some Eve 6 at Kinky Karaoke.  With Angelflare on his volunteer assignment, the night was mine, and I soaked up as much of it as I could before my head and body demanded sleep.

The next morning we were at it again with classes on cell popping, punishment, service, and single tailing.  I realized a love for swivel handled floggers and mentally added them to my Domme list, but ultimately we walked out that night with a newly adopted Violet Wand.  I skipped dungeon time to save my energy for the last day.  Instead I sat in the hotel room watching Mean Girls with the cheesecake Angelflare had bought me from the diner across the street.

Our last day was a lead up to dungeon time, with classes on duct tape and..well, duct tape!  I bought a new book on M/s, which I will review when I’m done, and we learned yet another suspension harness. Our time in the dungeon that night was intense.  I still have polka dots on my back from the fire play, which left me buzzed and alive all over.  Then there was flogging and my first single-tail experience.  A puddle of myself, I was given the best birthday gift a slave girl could ask for when Angelflare told me I had earned his mark (in the form of a cell popping).

At that moment I couldn’t even properly respond except to keep sobbing and let my mind whirl.  I hadn’t felt that wanted and cherished since he proposed to me.  In hindsight I realize it was the moment I finally felt like I was his, that I’d surrendered, and that I wasn’t just going through the motions.  He had noticed my evolution as a 24/7 slave, and he approved.  At that moment I felt and owned my position as a slave, and it was an indescribable release.  At that moment it felt like my birthday.  I had been given new life, as his slave, with new purpose and new resolve.

I felt like a different person on my way to work Monday morning, still in my event buzz.  I can definitely say this was one of the best first experiences I could possibly have imagined.  The people I met were fantastic, supportive, and immediately accepting, and Angelflare managed to make me feel loved and celebrated.  It was, indeed, a Very Merry Sintangible Birthday to me!

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Common Sense as Protocol

July 26, 2012 at 21:48 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , )


la dame sans merci III duotone

I was recently sunk into several layers of thought after reading this blog by Graydancer.  In fact, I had to read it several times, follow the rabbit hole of links he provided for references, and read it again to begin to comprehend what I was reading.  It seems, friends, as if I’ve been doing it wrong.  Try to suppress your surprise that anyone in an alternative lifestyle should think anyone else in that same lifestyle is doing it wrong, and therefore offensive to the lifestyle as a whole, but this seems to be a more widespread topic of conversation than I thought, and I have come to the only possible conclusion one can in this situation, which I will share at the end just to keep you reading.

Back to the matter at hand.  This all starts when Graydancer types the word “domist”, which I read as the belief that Doms are privileged and subs are devalued.  The topic at hand was third-party permission, meaning this:  As a third-party, should one ask permission of my Master to speak with me assuming our dynamic is obvious and that third-party is familiar with what I have always assumed to be “scene courtesy”?  I have always taken this as a sign of respect for a couple’s dynamic.  If the slave is free to interact on her own I have still done no harm by asking first.  If not I have saved myself the issue of stepping on her Master’s toes.

Apparently there is dissent and disagreement on this matter.  There were two reactions that Graydancer garnered that particularly rubbed me in funny ways, especially as a slave.

The first was, “I don’t like being ignored!”, which nearly caused an aneurysm.  Seriously, I had to walk away from the computer and find something to beat my head against that Angelflare wouldn’t beat me for breaking.  The idea that my Master is the privileged one of the two of us is a bit of a “duh” statement for me.  Isn’t that the role I accepted when I chose to be a slave?  My pleasure is his pleasure.  My life is his life.  I am property.  It really doesn’t matter if I like being ignored or not.  That’s not my choice to make.  Greydancer does point out that if someone is asking permission to talk to me it’s not being ignored, and to me it’s even more than being spoken to directly.  I’m worth asking  permission to talk to!  That makes my slave heart smile!

The second comment that ruffled my slave feathers a bit was the idea that by expecting this courtesy Angelflare and I would be forcing our scene on them without consent!  Yeah, read that again.  What?  Here Graydancer does a great job of explaining that for many of us this is not a scene.  This is how we live our lives.  This is who we are.  Angelflare and I are not forcing you to do anything.  Of course you can ignore our wishes and talk to anyone you want, and I can choose to ignore you until you’ve obtained permission from my Master.  Who are you to assume you deserve a breach in my obedience?

The basis of Graydancer’s post, and the original one he links to about “domism”, seems to be gender.  The original poster seems to focus on male Doms and female submissives, citing “Patriarchal and heterosexist patterns” in a scene that, in her experience, is saturated by male Dominants.  I have to admit I can’t relate to her feelings, as that has not been my experience.  As a pansexual female switch married to a pansexual male switch who just happens to take the role as my Master I have not noticed a dynamic paradigm.  Our local community is fairly balanced, and I had not assumed others to be any different.  Nor is it really any of my business.  As a female I don’t take any offence to it. I don’t assume any of it happens because I’m a woman; I assume it’s because of the collar around my neck.  If I’m the one holding the leash I expect, and am afforded, the same courtesy no matter what the gender of the person on the other end.  This is how it should be.

My conclusion?  That we are all taking how other people live their lives way too seriously, especially for people who are publicly hailing our rights to live the way we wish and talk to who we wish, and so on, and so forth.  This is not high school.  This is not a life or death decision.  You will not die if you speak to me and I ignore you because I refuse to let you impose your desire to be a rebel on my protocols.  Just don’t do so if you don’t like to be ignored, because ignored you will be.

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Opting for Hopeless (Part 2)

July 20, 2012 at 00:57 (BDSM) (, , , , , , , , , , )


Gothic Ballerina, October 2008, Marcillé Raoul...

I wrote a couple days ago about the place for romanticism in a poly relationship.  As I did, I realized that I have heard the same comments about BDSM, D/s, and similar relationships.  Is there a place in a 24/7 M/s relationship for romanticism?  Dear gods, I hope so.

I think the first thing to address about a 24/7 relationship, well mine anyway, is that while I am always in service we are not always in a scene. We do have loving, tender, married couple sex.  We do have dates, sweet moments, and do touching things for one another.  So, yes, there is still room for romance in our life.  No, I would not expect flowers and mushy cards on a dungeon night, although I may expect a flogger or two to show up at the end of date night.  I’m kidding, but you get the point.

Unless the relationship is a completely detached, casual play situation with no intimacy I think romance finds a way in to a loving BDSM relationship.  It’s unstoppable, it’s inevitable, it’s vital.

Just an opinion from a slave who happens to be a hopeless romantic and wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

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SlaveCraft: A Book Review

July 14, 2012 at 22:45 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


English: Picture of User:Lady Byron wearing a ...

I just finished reading SlaveCraft: Roadmaps for Erotic Servitude, and while there was not much new information in it, nor did I agree with all of it, it did serve as a useful base not only to explore my own thoughts and feelings but to start a running dialogue between me and Angelflare.

The concept of the book is excellent.  While there are plenty of books on how to be submissive, dominant, or kinky in general, there are few books on how to be a full-time slave written by slaves.  Jumping into a 24/7, M/s relationship can be intimidating, as I’ve discovered these past few months.  A slave runs into emotions she doesn’t know how to process while fulfilling her role as slave, fears and insecurities she didn’t know she had, and situations she is unprepared for and unsure how to navigate.  These things can be a distraction, a hindrance, and a detriment, and the stress of balancing them with new rules and protocol has the potential to bring down the entire relationship.  Having talked about it all with Angelflare, I know that Masters often feel just as frustrated by these roadblocks.  It’s new territory on both sides, and no matter how much experience either person has, each one is different, and each one has its own unique challenges and weak points that need to be addressed and fortified.

SlaveCraft gives refreshing assurance to new slaves and a much needed reminder to those with experience that the things they are experiencing are normal, that they can be worked through, and that in the end they will strengthen both the slave and the relationship.  It offers ideas for solutions and methods to help the process and gives a little insight into why some of these issues exist and arise when they do.

In lieu of writing out a litany of likes and dislikes, I’m going to lay this out the way the book is written, essay by essay.  I will also state now that most of my “dislikes” are not aversions.  They’re simply either not how I view my service or myself as a slave or not how Angelflare has structured our relationship.  There are also certain differences that come with being married to my Master that are not considered in the book.

Essay 1: The Call to Submission

This essay reminds us that slaves come to the lifestyle and decide to be slaves in as many ways as there are slaves, but its main message is “Slavery requires bravery”, something that is often overlooked by Masters and slaves alike.  I have met potential submissives who believe that all they need to do is do everything I say, and that’s it!  I have met Masters that feel the same way and don’t feel that slaves should have any sort of adjustment process or they must obviously not be meant for slavery.  This essay reminds us that it slavery means facing and overcoming fears and insecurities.

Essay 2: The Myth of “Slave Training”

I can understand where the author is going with this essay, but in my experience he is a little off base.  While he has a point that there are many Masters who do not understand what goes on inside a slave at the start of a M/s relationship, some take a very vested interest in it.  Like the author, I do believe in a tiered household situation where novice slaves are trained by other slaves, but I do believe a Master has to have some involvement as well in order to know how each of his slaves operates and each slave’s unique strengths and issues.  I do not, however, agree that Masters are looking for “already up to par” slaves.  Maybe some are for short-term reasons, but I believe that, if a long-term relationship is going to exists, a Master needs to shape his slaves the way he wants them, not the way someone else had at one time.  Angelflare has been very open with me about how he is shaping me as a slave, and it has helped me understand a little what I believe every good Master should go through with each slave individually.  My biggest issue with this essay was the statement that “Love, if it happens, is not usually enough to ensure that we’ll be kept around.”  As Angelflare’s wife I firmly believe that it is our love that keeps me around whether this works or not.  I do not receive special benefits or leniency because he loves me, and I am doing everything in my power to make him happy as his slave, but I do not believe he will tire of my service and dispose of me as his wife.

Essay 3: Finding My Slavery

I found this essay to be one of my favourites.  In my opinion it brings up one of the most limiting blockages many slaves face, definitely the biggest one I have; Intuition.  The author brings up finding one’s inner slave much as one might speak of shadow self or conscience, as something to be fostered, acknowledged, and heeded.  Too often we let the intellectual aspects of service and what is expected of us as slaves get in the way of our natural tendency to want to serve and serve well.  Instinct is a huge aspect of service as long as we stop overthinking and start letting that instinct take over. In Part II the author brings up the poignant reminder that slavery is an agreement we first make with ourselves.  When Angelflare and I started he made sure it was what I wanted.  The decision to do this was all mine, and I made it on my own.  From there his next point was apparent.  By giving I am more likely to receive what I need.  It was a struggle at first, but I’m starting to understand that on a deeper level.  From there he talks about conditions in slavery, and he’s right when he says that total submission as a slave cannot happen if there are conditions.  Does Angelflare know my hard limits, fears, phobias, and physical limitations?  Of course he does, so there’s no reason to put them in writing and speak of them as limitations.  There is only trust that he values me enough not to cross those lines in a way that will be harmful and only cross them when they are no longer useful and need to be faced and cast away.

Essay 4: The Principle of “Identity”

The very first thing I recognized in this essay was one of the first issues Angelflare and I faced together: perception of effort.  In the beginning it may have appeared to him that I wasn’t trying to get over my internal issues and clear my mental blockages.  In reality I was doing everything I could think of, but much as I find it nearly impossible to use a curling iron on my own head I also found it hard to pinpoint and fix the issues within myself.  It wasn’t until we talked about it that he was able to see just how hard I had been trying all along.  What this essay mostly gave me as a slave was a reminder that who I am, everything I am, is his.  My job, my hobbies, my side projects all exist because they are pieces of me he chooses to keep.  It also talks about Identity Drift and how to recenter oneself, a lesson I’ve been learning over the last month away from home.  It’s actually been an extremely useful separation period but that’s a whole different post.

Essay 5: The Principle of Obedience

This essay deals with “becoming accomplished at obedience” as the only concern of a slave.  I do not agree with is the idea that obedience requires all surrender of independent thought, that “the most damaging threat possible” to a relationship is a slave’s thoughts, and that a slave needs to be protected from her thoughts.  While I will put any order I receive from Angelflare first and foremost, if I notice something he does not that could make following that order destructive, dangerous, or costly, I consider it my duty to him to mention it with as much respect as possible, not to blindly follow the order and find myself in a bind.  Of course, this only applies in serious situations, and if I bring it up and he still insists I am to trust his methods and follow the order knowing he is full aware of what I have seen.  The author hits the nail on the head when he says that obedience is more than just following orders.  It’s about doing it without resentment or misery, but with the spirit of service and a desire to please.  This is, admittedly, something I struggle with at times.  I am currently working on finding pleasure in the act as opposed to merely working towards an end.  The final section of the essay addresses working together as Master and slave to fix emotional issues that cause a lapse in obedience, something Angelflare is insistent upon, and I cannot agree more that it has the propensity to strengthen our bond and increase my faith in his role as Master.

Essay 6: The Principle of Transparency

Again I see where the author is going with this essay, but I don’t agree with all of it.  I agree with his point that worry breeds unnecessary paranoia and that I should accept that my Master wants me for all of me.  It also brings up the idea that a good slave lives only in the present state of her relationship, that she should be content that she is what he wants for now and leave the future completely up to him, and as a wife I find it hard to accept that.  I cannot just go blindly into a future with the belief that this is what he wants for now and find that good enough.

Essay 7: The Principle of Humility

This was a long essay, so I’ll try to be concise.  Angelflare is big on pride, but he also wants me to better myself and be the best I can be.  I believe that requires at least a little pride, just not pride that is aimed in his direction.  I belong to him, but outside of that the world is mine.  I can see why the author has his rituals of humility, but I find them hard to relate to.  He strives to remain unseen where there are times Angelflare wants to show me off.  I find it unnecessary to sit in the most uncomfortable seat available as long as I have ensured Angelflare and any guest’s comfort.  I find it wasteful to not finish all the food on one’s plate, and honestly, I don’t think Angelflare cares where I put my clothes in this hotel room.  I don’t think these things foster humility as much as actually practicing humility when dealing with Angelflare and remembering my place in his household.

Essay 8: Permutations

The first thing that struck me in this essay was the discussion about changing a slave’s ideas, opinions, and tastes to match her Master’s.  The example given is smoking, and I’m not sure I’d stay with a Master who made it that important for me to do something unhealthy and detrimental to my health, but I understand the idea.  I am starting to learn this level of adjustment within myself, and it’s getting easier to do so.  The rest deal with attention and sacrifice, something I feel we’ve dealt with in abundance already.

Essay 9: Dealing with Fear

Fear has been one of the biggest things for me to get over as we push forward in this M/s dynamic.  Fear for my marriage, fear for my family, fear for my career, and fear that it would all fall apart if I was inadequate as a slave.  It has never been a fear of public perception.  We’ve been out of that realm for some time now, but I feared losing my self.  I feared losing what Angelflare loved in me.  No matter how many times he assured me that he wanted me as a slave, not just a slave that looked like me, I still held back.  I am still working on what the author mentions in SlaveCraft.  I am still training myself to scan my emotions, find the reasons for my fears, and face them head on.  Only by experiencing what I am afraid of and coming out of it intact can I release those fears.

Essay 10: Using or Processing Pain

Most of this essay is an excerpt from Joseph W Bean’s Leathersex: A Gruide for the Curious Outsider and the Serious Player.  It explains how different people process pain differently and why.  It also discusses how certain means of pain processing can hinder the full experience of a scene, and it’s something I will keep in mind in my next scene.  Dealing with Fibromyalgia I have my own ways to work through pain, but that will be its own post someday soon.

While this book didn’t tell me anything new it did give me a few useful ways to use  information I already had.  I would recommend the book to both Master and slave in any forming M/s relationship, but I would encourage you to read it with an open yet critical mind and decide what best works for your dynamic, your Master, and your inner slave.

To read for yourselves, look for SlaveCraft: Roadmap for Erotic Servitude by a grateful slave, with Guy Baldwin, M.S.  Make sure you read the introduction and afterword by Patrick Califia, M.A.  

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Refreshing Progress- A Slave’s Journey

June 9, 2012 at 16:39 (M/S) (, , , , , , , )


My main reason for writing the last two posts was for Angelflare to read them.  It is much easier for me to formulate thoughts and process emotions in text form, especially when he hasn’t caught me off guard to talk about them.

I was a little worried he’d be upset for me airing out my slave laundry to the masses, but I realize after doing so and talking to other slaves that these are pretty common thoughts and concerns.  His main issue with my service thus far was that he didn’t feel like I was trying to sort through my blockages.  His perspective made it seem like I was more resisting than struggling.  Once it was clarified that I do want to do this but don’t always know how we were free to have open discussion and move forward.

So, last night he tried something new.  Instead of starting with something he knows I have problems with, he started with something he knows I not only like but haven’t had in some time.  I was able to lose myself to the sensation instead of wrapping myself up in analysis and over-thinking ever word and move, and the rest just happened for me.  It was amazingly free feeling, one I hope I can replicate on my own in time.

While I know he won’t always make things this easy for me, this incident put me at ease and gave me a little fresh air to breathe.  After feeling like I was failing for so long, I needed a little reassurance and confidence building.  It reaffirmed that he wants me to succeed in this, which fortifies my desire to succeed for him.

And so…we continue.

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Attitude Adjustment – A Slave’s Journey

May 30, 2012 at 20:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


In my last post I addressed the issue of control, mainly my issue with giving it all away.  This week has been a rare opportunity, as I am on vacation from work and able to focus on my service.  Angelflare and I have both given this time the onus of deciding our future as a 24/7  M/s couple.  I had decided it myself before he brought it up, and we both cited the same basic reason: Attitude.

I have been aware for some time that I can be defensive, emotional, and at times I use my words as weapons.  They’re all I’ve got.  I can’t take many people in a fight, I don’t have wealth or affluence, nor am I a particularly intimidating person.  I have also been aware that this is not acceptable behaviour for a slave and have worked very hard to take the bite out of my words, even when I’m upset.  This has not always been successful, but I have been making progress.  At least, I thought I had.

Just as with the control issue I have no problem conceptualizing what needs to be done.  I have no problem understanding how I need to respond when he pushes my buttons.  The problem I have is deeper and entirely emotional, my response burning and angry before  I even have a chance to get my intention and reasoning across more respectfully.  Frankly, I’m not good at holding my tongue, and once it’s out and I realize I’ve gone too far or just don’t care.

Of course, I do care once I’ve calmed down.  I want this to work.  I want to please him, and I want to make him proud of me.  So, what do I do about this?  Count to ten? Deep breaths?  I can hold my tongue in a sterile environment for a short time.  I’ve been pretty calm this week for the most part.  He’s even offered an incentive and consequences.  It’s the moment I’m already stressed and he starts pressing my buttons to get a reaction that I fail miserably.  It’s the moment I think about it always being this way that I feel helpless and trapped.

All I can do at this time is keep working towards the goal, accept the consequences, and hope he doesn’t give up on me.  Am I really cut out for this? If not, does that make me a failure?  I recognize a slave can be independent and strong-willed in the rest of her life, and I’m trying to incorporate the two.  If I can’t “hack it”, as he so eloquently puts it, does that make me flawed and weak?  Or is his term meant to make me try harder and prove him wrong.  Is he using my own stubbornness against me?

Only one way to find out…

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Giving Up Control – A Slave’s Journey

May 20, 2012 at 22:04 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


After years of subbing for Angelflare on an event based basis we decided to try a 24/7 Master/slave arrangement.  There were a lot of questions before embarking on this endeavor.  What would it mean for our marriage?  How would I handle a live-in 24/7 arrangement as a switch, with a career, etc.  How would we work this new dynamic into an already established relationship?  It took some convincing and a lot of discussion, we’re talking hours and hours of emotionally charged conversation, but we finally decided we could handle at least giving it a try.

My first big hurdle was confidence.  As a submissive I am proud of my position; as a slave I was a twitchy mess.  It was not a state I could live in all the time.  I was stressed, emotional, and starting to get sick. I also lost all my strong dominant spirit. It took some pretty serious soul searching and a few good heart-to-hearts to process and accept that I could be Angelflare’s wife, Queen, and soul mate and still be his slave.  Then I had to figure out how to retain my willful flame while being in his collar.  While I am his the rest of the world is mine, and it’s a careful balance I had to handcraft from no experience I had ever had before.

My current blockage is control, moreso completely giving up control.  For short term occasional and events I have no hangups, but when it comes to long-term or permanent relinquishing of control I come to a point where I panic and have to make sure things are being properly done.   Why is this such an issue?

Some of what keeps fighting to hold on to my control is habit.  For most of my life I’ve had to take care of my self on some level, and I’ve fought very hard to get what I need and want.  It has been my experience that letting people make decisions for me and not putting up an independent Alpha female front has given people the right of way to take advantage of me.  It’s hard to suddenly give someone those reins and just hope I’m not putting myself in a situation that will lead to real life, long-term issues that would end up being mine, and mine alone, to rectify.  What if it weren’t something that could be rectified?

A more recently formed habit is within our marriage.  For most of our relationship I have been the one to make decisions and take care of responsibilities and agendas.  I held our household together through a lot of rough situations, and have been told by Angelflare himself that I am the one running things, even if just from the sidelines.  I know it’s a simple attitude and perspective adjustment that allows that all to happen even as a slave, but it is not an overnight change.

Another concern of mine is perception on Angelflare’s part.  While he is great at seeing the big picture and steps down the line he is not great at taking into account the little details that make up that big picture.  As someone with fibromyalgia I have to consider all those little details, things he doesn’t realize affect me the way they do.  My needs are not always things he considers needs, so it’s a matter of making him see how important the little things are in my world, otherwise I can’t go to work or take care of my duties to our family.  This is a major concern to me.

My last, and maybe biggest, point of discussion has been our marriage.  There are times where we have real couple issues and real family problems that need to be resolved as a team, and I need to be sure I can address these things honestly without fear of punishment.  My family and my marriage come before any and all things, and I will not do this if I can’t be sure we can work on problems instead of having them swept under the M/s rug.  There are situations where I need to be his wife before his slave, and in certain company it’s important that I have that title of respect and consideration.  I need to be sure he can make that judgment call and not rebuke me for being his wife.

We are slowly working through these things, and I have faith that we can.  He has given this a time frame that I’m not sure is a realistic marker for progress.  It’s taken us four and a half years to get to this point.  How can we get to the next checkpoint in merely 30 days?

There are points where I ask myself if this is a realistic goal.  I know couples do it, but is it for us?  I didn’t know until recently how much my dominant side takes over.  Can she be suppressed in this sort of venue?  I know he wants this, and I know he hopes it will be with me, so I’m giving it a serious try in hopes that he’ll at least appreciate the sacrifices I’m willing to make for this.  I don’t want it to hurt our relationship, whatever the outcome, and I recognize the opportunity for it to make us a stronger couple with at least a better awareness of how we interact and communicate.

In short, do I want to please my Master? Yes.  Do I want to be faithful to my duties to my family and my husband? Yes.  Do I know how to give up the only control that remains in my life?  No, but I’m learning as I go.

 

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