A Fetlife PSA I Wrote About Adult Behaviour

November 21, 2012 at 19:23 (Fetlife) (, , , , )


I am taking time out of my NaNoWriMo word count to write this, because it’s gotten out of hand. I try to keep drama out of my life, and that includes my public life on the internet, especially when it has nothing to do with me. This is a small community, and combining poly and kink makes it even smaller, which means the chance is great that our social circles and event calendars will cross paths. We claim to be an “adult” community. Why then is it so hard for us to act like adults?

Here are a few guideline to help us all get along like drama free adults:

1. When you see post from people you’ve clashed with on the internet, especially on walls of mutual friends, ignore them. I never mind a little venting, but I start to notice that the moment I get a comment on my status update or forum post from the person you are obviously following like a detective I get a text, or worse, a response to their comment ON MY WALL that is in no way relevent except to try to one-up the previous comment. STOP! I am not a mediator, babysitter, or therapist. Deal with your issues somewhere else. If you have to block each other or tell your friends to block each other, this is not adult behaviour. If you’re checking up on who their new play partners, subs, or lovers are to t he point where they have to block you, this is not adult behaviour. You can say whatever you want in your business, but when it crosses over to mine I just don’t care anymore.

2. When you hear of people you’ve clashed with planning on attending events you plan to be at ignore them. It makes both of you look bad if you have to talk to friends, “protectors”, and event staff about your issues, especially if you ask them to talk to the other person in advance “just in case”. It makes you both defensive and prone to be jumpy, and it makes the rest of us want to not even go if our good time is going to be ruined by your failure to deal with adversity like an adult. I certainly don’t want to have my scene disrupted because of some petty dispute, and I look to event staff to handle both of you appropriately if there is a problem, not just the one you perceive to be in the wrong. Keep it private, friends.

3. When you do see people you’ve clashed with in the past at an event…ignore them!
It’s true, and it’s simple. Showing up at the same local public event does not equate to stalking or harassment. Good events are few and far between, and they have just as much a right to be there as you do. On the same vein, you CAN see someone at an event without talking to her. Go figure! This is not the moment to pine or reconcile. This is not the time to feel victimized because she talked to someone you’re trying to play with. This is your moment to shine as a mature adult. There is no reason both of you need to have a negative experience in a room built for hundreds, or even tens. I have been at private residence parties where I haven’t noticed certain people in attendance. If you’re not looking for a problem you won’t find one, but it takes two to make things drama free and fun for everyone.

4. We are here to have fun, so have fun, and say it with me this time, ignore them!!!! I know we are all serious, and this is a big important lifestyle, but when it comes down to it we are all here to enjoy ourselves and have a good time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is in it for the wrong reasons. Nothing personal, but no matter how close we are as friends, if you cause these issues on my wall and create unneccessary stress for me I will simply remove you from my online community. I am not the fet police, and neither are you. It is not your place to make people go away or steer them away from newcomers. If they aren’t good for the community they will be organically pushed out without your help. You should have more important things to do anyway, right?

I hope this has been helpful, especially in cutting down any hurt feelings if this behaviour continues and my friends list is drastically filtered of the people who bring this kind of drama and conflict into my world. We all have the power to act like adults with brains in our heads, and this is not a place for childish behaviour or dick measuring.

Thanks, and carry on.

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