Being Whole Again

February 24, 2015 at 02:16 (BDSM) (, , , , , )

I’ve stepped back twice in as many years.

The first time I felt like if I didn’t I would forever hate things I which I had found joy, freedom, and intimacy.  I had tried to force myself into a mold not meant for me, and it had begun to break me.   I felt trapped.  I felt suffocated.  I felt like I had to fight for my voice to be heard.   I stepped back, and for a long time I couldn’t even speak of kink or people I once considered family, causing discord with my partners, who still are all very deeply immersed in the community.

When I stepped back in it was only half of me.  I didn’t yet feel safe letting my submissive side out, so I took a sub and let my Domme side reign.  Let me tell you, friends, that can be exhausting, and there were times I just needed to be held and nurtured.

Then it happened.  I spent a night doing both, and something within me began to reawaken, because I needed both halves to be healthy to be healthy myself.  This,, the true nature of a switch.

When I lost my sub I took another half step away from the scene.  I had been responsible for him, and I had failed.  It wasn’t the same feeling of revulsion I had felt the first time.  This time it was a mourning of sorts.  He needed me, and I was helpless.

It’s been a few months now, and as I’ve branched out into a community 3,000 miles away from the one I’ve known for over a decade I find that I’m hitting a new stride.  There’s no one here who knows me as a Domme or a sub, so I’ve been able to express both with different people.

This week I found myself craving things I haven’t done in years, and it felt good.  To be able to feel the rope bites and fight against the power struggle, this is what I’ve needed for my chrysalis to be complete, because, friends, I’ve been bored, and it’s been no one’s fault but my own for being timid and patient.  Holding back had caused everyone around me to mistake me for complacent and fragile, and I couldn’t convince anyone to be what I needed it I tried.

So here I am, once again feeling desire and need for things I haven’t felt a part of me in a long time.

I’m back, and I’m stronger than I have ever been.


Permalink Leave a Comment

On Being a Switch: Picking a Side

March 6, 2013 at 21:15 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

When Angelflare and I met we were both Switches.  Don’t get me wrong, we still are, but we have chosen to live as a 24/7 M/s couple.  Because of this, we no longer switch with each other.  While I love the way our marriage has grown and strengthened as a result of our M/s, I also feel like a part of who we were is gone. I used to love that we could explore with each other on both sides of the whip, and at this time it is not a part of our relationship.

Bring in Angelflare’s girlfriend, A, who is a Dominant, and a deep part of myself that I had pushed down when we decided to take on a 24/7 relationship is awakened.  It’s hard for me to suppress feelings of loss and regret.  I miss who we were.  I miss how free we used to be with each other, and


sometimes I feel like there are so many rules and so many compartments we’ve built for our relationship that I start to feel stifled and cornered.

This is an issue I did not foresee when we changed our arrangement, and one of the few places where I still find myself holding a lot of jealousy and resentment.  There are very few things that are unique to our relationship, but now there’s this significant one that is unique to theirs, one I really enjoyed and miss very much.  Not that I’ve pinpointed it I can begin to work through it, but it’s going to take some work, and maybe someday we can work out an arrangement that fulfills that desire in me again.

Permalink 3 Comments