Attitude Adjustment – A Slave’s Journey

May 30, 2012 at 20:57 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


In my last post I addressed the issue of control, mainly my issue with giving it all away.  This week has been a rare opportunity, as I am on vacation from work and able to focus on my service.  Angelflare and I have both given this time the onus of deciding our future as a 24/7  M/s couple.  I had decided it myself before he brought it up, and we both cited the same basic reason: Attitude.

I have been aware for some time that I can be defensive, emotional, and at times I use my words as weapons.  They’re all I’ve got.  I can’t take many people in a fight, I don’t have wealth or affluence, nor am I a particularly intimidating person.  I have also been aware that this is not acceptable behaviour for a slave and have worked very hard to take the bite out of my words, even when I’m upset.  This has not always been successful, but I have been making progress.  At least, I thought I had.

Just as with the control issue I have no problem conceptualizing what needs to be done.  I have no problem understanding how I need to respond when he pushes my buttons.  The problem I have is deeper and entirely emotional, my response burning and angry before  I even have a chance to get my intention and reasoning across more respectfully.  Frankly, I’m not good at holding my tongue, and once it’s out and I realize I’ve gone too far or just don’t care.

Of course, I do care once I’ve calmed down.  I want this to work.  I want to please him, and I want to make him proud of me.  So, what do I do about this?  Count to ten? Deep breaths?  I can hold my tongue in a sterile environment for a short time.  I’ve been pretty calm this week for the most part.  He’s even offered an incentive and consequences.  It’s the moment I’m already stressed and he starts pressing my buttons to get a reaction that I fail miserably.  It’s the moment I think about it always being this way that I feel helpless and trapped.

All I can do at this time is keep working towards the goal, accept the consequences, and hope he doesn’t give up on me.  Am I really cut out for this? If not, does that make me a failure?  I recognize a slave can be independent and strong-willed in the rest of her life, and I’m trying to incorporate the two.  If I can’t “hack it”, as he so eloquently puts it, does that make me flawed and weak?  Or is his term meant to make me try harder and prove him wrong.  Is he using my own stubbornness against me?

Only one way to find out…

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Slaves as Property

January 8, 2012 at 18:03 (M/S) (, , , , , , , , )


When a Master takes a slave she is considered property.  She is a possession, and object, and in most cases a tool.  As a slave, a big part of the trust and commitment to a master comes with how he treats his property.  Right away she can tell if he has respect or concern for his slaves, and what value they hold in his life.  This is something my Dom, Angelflare,  and I have gone back and forth over, and we have yet to come to a resolution that has made me comfortable enough for him to be my Master.  It’s lead to arguments and an inability to compromise, until now.  We have decided that the only way for me to know how he treats a slave is to be one, so we are going to give it a trial run.

There are different ways to treat property, and any good slave notices this in a Master.  What a slave will accept and prefer is up to each individual.  Some decide to be treated like junk.  They want to be used, abused, and discarded until Master wants to use them again.  These slaves take their pleasure in being disposable yet indestructible.  They can be tattered, battered, and torn and still not tossed away.  They know they are worn as costume jewelry.  Taken care of and treasured, but replaceable.  On the other side of the spectrum is a slave who knows her worth and needs to be treated like valuable property.  She knows that her training, skill, and grace make her priceless to a Master.  She knows she will be used and punished as Master desires and sees fit, but she will also be cherished and shown off with pride.  She will not be harmed, but will be protected as one would a crystal vase or diamond ring.

Angelflare believes this value should be proven and earned, and he’s right, but I feel in the last four years that we’ve been together I have put in at least some of that time.  As his wife I know he sees a value in me.  I don’t pretend it will cause him to go easy on me or give me special treatment as a slave, but I do expect it to give me a certain worth in his eyes and his heart.

Here lies the tricky part about a M/S marriage.  No matter how well this trial run works, if it seems to be unhealthy for our marriage we must stop.  There are parts of our life that require us to appear as a unit, a team.  To show this M/S dynamic would make us look weak or dysfunctional.  This will be a larger topic as we begin and I begin to document this trial period.

I want to have faith that Angelflare can treat his property well and not as trash found in the street.  I have faith that if he wants that he will find a slave who also wants that.  I will scene it, but I it’s not what I need in a 24/7 situation.  I need to be valued.  I am valuable, and I am proud to serve any Master who can recognize that.

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